Play It Safe
by Ghoraidh
Summary: A what-if fic speculating on how events would have unfolded if Kavanagh, instead of McKay, had been the last occupant of the alien being Sheppard picked up on that planet in "Doppelganger". Includes an an explanation for Kavanagh's snarkiness and general bad attitude. Uploading here because I want to have all my SG:Atlantis fics in one place.
1. Chapter 1

"Yeah, so I'll see you later." Sheppard turned, hand raised for a farewell clap on the shoulder, only to find McKay gone and Kavanagh standing there, with the oddest expression on his face. He had a clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other.

"Colonel Sheppard."

"Dr...Kavanagh...ah..." Sheppard forced a smile and looked at his hand, poised in mid-air.

"Ah..."

Kavanagh looked down quickly.

"It's all right. You don't have to pretend to like me, Colonel."

He pushed his glasses a little further up his nose, snapped open a control panel beside Sheppard and examined the contents.

"I wasn't...uh..." Sheppard searched for an explanation.

"See, I was talking to McKay, you know, he's one of the team...so then, when he left, I was going to..."

Kavanagh just looked at him and Sheppard realized he was digging himself in deeper with every word. He scratched his head and looked at Kavanagh with exasperation.

"Well, you know...maybe if you'd try a little harder to get along with people..."

Kavanagh's mouth set itself in the thin, unhappy line that was so familiar to Sheppard and the rest of the base.

"Oh, and me doing my best to keep you all from destroying yourselves in hideously painful ways, and mopping up your messes when you're done being the heroes? I guess that doesn't count for anything."

"Well..."

Kavanagh met his eyes deliberately and mouthed the word "jumper".

Sheppard's lips tightened.

"Yeah, ok, so you saved our asses with that one. We all save each other's asses on a regular basis. It's what we do around here, if you haven't noticed. Doesn't make you some kind of special cookie. You were also completely out of line to be giving Elizabeth that crap about being mistreated while the jumper was still in jeopardy."

"Whatever. Look, if you don't mind, I have work to do. The power conduits don't keep themselves in working order, you know." He turned back to the panel beside Sheppard.

"Fine." Sheppard half-turned, glanced at him one more time, thoughtfully, then clapped a hand on his shoulder, twice, firmly, and turned on his heel.

Kavanagh threw a sour look after him, his cheeks reddening, and fixed his attention on the panel, grumbling to himself as the sound of Sheppard's footsteps retreated down the hall.

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Sheppard sat there, across from Dr. Keller, his head in his hands. This was all his fault. If he hadn't touched that flower and released the alien entity that was now roaming the corridors of Atlantis...Sheppard wished suddenly, fervently, that he had never set foot on M3X-387.

One by one his teammates had suffered the entity's malicious attack on their minds. Including the doctor. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. The past several days had been hell for them all. Heightmeyer's funeral would be held in two days and there were still people in the city who didn't know. It had all happened that fast. Carter hadn't been able to manage more than the briefest of announcements. Sheppard could still hear it in the back of his mind, the tinny sound of the intercom, crackling through eroded wires and 10,000 year old systems.

"This is Colonel Carter...I'm very sorry to have to tell you that we have lost a valuable member of the expedition today..."

Dr. Keller's voice broke into his thoughts.

"Colonel Sheppard, we're trying to figure out where the entity is now. It's been using the power conduits to travel. McKay says that it could be in anyone. We're working on getting a city-wide scan, but for now we can only scan small areas one at a time. Anything you can think of might help narrow it down."

"Anyone? Damn." Sheppard ran both hands through his hair.

"Think carefully. Do you remember anyone acting strangely toward you lately? Trying to avoid contact with you? Especially just the last few days."

Sheppard remembered suddenly that Kavanagh had been studiously avoiding him the past week. He hadn't thought much of it, taking it as a sign that the moody and perpetually irritable scientist was still in a tiff over their little interaction, but now...He grimaced. Of all the people to have cursed with this plague, it had to be him.

"Yeah, actually. I think I may have an idea where our entity's gone. Run a sensor sweep of the science labs."

He slumped a little, watching the screen as Zelenka's hands ran lightly over the keyboard.

"Pray I'm wrong, while you're at it." he muttered. Kavanagh would never him forget something like this. He'd never let any of them forget it.

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"It's him all right. Good guess, Colonel." Carter turned to Lorne.

"Let's get him down to the isolation room."

"What's this about?" Kavanagh frowned down at the shorter man as they walked into the empty isolation room.

"Take it easy, Doctor, everything'll be all right." Lorne stepped back, leaving Kavanagh alone in the isolation room. The sound of a force field sliding into place made the hairs stand up on the back of Kavanagh's neck. He spun around.

"What the–what are you doing? What is this?" His frightened eyes took in the padded walls, the lack of furniture, the camera's red eye watching him from the corner of the room.

"What's going on?" His voice rose slightly, a note of fear creeping in under the annoyance. He hadn't believed they'd torture him, not really, until the tall alien walked into the room, his eyes intent and purposeful. Now he wasn't sure of much at all.

"You can't do this!" He realized how completely wrong he was even as the words echoed around the empty room. They were light-years away from any civilization that even knew who he was. They could do whatever they wanted to him, and no-one would so much as blink an eye. He backed against the wall, his eyes wide, his arms coming up to cross over his chest.

"McKay? Sheppard?" He wouldn't count on Carter for anything, she was military and would probably hate him as much as Weir had, once he'd disagreed with her a few times. After his near-torture, he'd made sure to stay well under the radar. He'd learned a lot during his time here, enough to turn his noisy bravado into reluctant compliance and resentful murmuring, enough to keep him watching his back in dark corridors and making sure he was first out of the way when dangerous situations threatened. It wouldn't keep him from thinking the way he did, or doing whatever he thought was best, but he'd learned to be more careful and less vocal about it.

Sheppard reached forward and pressed the button that raised the screen between the observation room and the patient room. Kavanagh stepped foward, his arms dropping from around himself, relief and anger struggling for control of his face.

"What are you trying to pin on me now? Look, whatever it is, I swear I didn't do it."

"Take it easy, Kavanagh, you're going to be just fine–"

Kavanagh cut him off.

"You all thought I was a spy, remember, till you found out it was Caldwell. Remember that? You thought I was guilty. All of you. Well, you were wrong. And you're wrong this time." He wiped sweaty palms on his BDU's. Sudden suspicion leapt into his eyes, fear following quickly behind it.

"Wait a minute. Why–why wouldn't I be just fine? Why are you telling me I'm going to be fine?"

Sheppard looked down at him.

"You been having any weird dreams lately?"

Kavanagh swallowed and looked down.

"M-maybe. So?"

"So...we're pretty sure you've got a potentially life-threatening alien organism inside your body." McKay said it all with one short breath.

"What?" Kavanagh's eyes widened with panic. McKay raised a hand quickly.

"Look, just–just...calm down. We're working on a way to get it out of you, but for now the only safe way to keep it isolated is for you to be in there and for us to be out here."

Kavanagh stared at him in disbelief.

"This is great. This is just great. I'm going to die, aren't I?" He felt of himself.

"Where is it? It doesn't hurt. What does that mean? That's bad, isn't it?"

Sheppard stepped up to the microphone.

"We think it lives in your subconscious, as a form of energy. Just take it easy, we're going to get it out of you. Trust me. McKay'll figure something out."

"Yeah, right. Sure. I can trust you. You really care about what happens to me. That's why you sent your alien executioner to carve me up with that knife of his. That's why you've got me locked up in here like some animal. I really feel better now, Sheppard, knowing I can trust you. That's a good–"

"Ok, just hold it right there." Sheppard's voice stopped Kavanagh in mid-rant. He stared foolishly up at Sheppard, his mouth hanging open slightly, then shut it.

"I–" His voice was quieter but still determined. Sheppard cut him off again.

"You're pretty thick-headed not to have figured it out by now, Kavanagh, but that mouth and that attitude are what got you where you are. No-one's proud of what we did. But it was a desperate situation. And if you'd been co-operating instead of shooting off your mouth, it might never have happened. Now, for the record, we are doing our very best to figure this out, in spite of the fact that you're not giving us much incentive to want to."

Kavanagh opened his mouth, then closed it.

"All right. Fine." His voice was still high and tinged with panic, and his lower lip quivered a little as he drew a deep breath and let it out slowly, but the spite was gone, along with most of the hysteria. Sheppard leaned toward the microphone again.

"That's better. Keep that up."

Kavanagh gave a short, jerky little nod.

"Just...tell McKay to hurry up, all right? I'm...not good with confined spaces."

"We're doing our best. Hang in there."

Kavanagh shot him a quick, searching glance that Sheppard met squarely, then glanced at McKay, who was still hovering beside him. McKay returned his look briefly, real sympathy on his face, made a gesture indicating haste, and headed out of the room.

Kavanagh looked away quickly, his mouth working slightly.

"Yeah, ok," he muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

"Dr. Kavanagh." Carter leaned toward the microphone. He jumped and turned quickly to face the camera.

"Yes?"

"Colonel Sheppard has an idea. We think it could be the way to get this thing out of you."

Kavanagh's eyes were fixed on her with the intensity he usually reserved for his favorite projects.

"I'm listening."

Carter finished explaining the theory behind Sheppard's plan. Kavanagh didn't look too convinced. He looked at the floor.

"So...Colonel Sheppard would be in the nightmare with me?"

"It only needs to be at the beginning. Just long enough to locate the entity. We're hoping we can take it from there."

Kavanagh's eyes darted back and forth as he considered. He raised his head.

"I want to talk to Dr. Heightmeyer first. I have to ask her about something."

Carter's face registered shock and dismay. She looked at Sheppard, then McKay.

"You didn't know? Didn't you hear the announcement?"

"I haven't been–wait, know what?" He turned his head away slightly, his eyes suddenly fearful. Carter closed her eyes for a second, then opened them and looked him directly in the eyes.

"Dr. Kavanagh, Dr. Heightmeyer is dead. The entity killed her."

"No, that's not po–" He stopped abruptly, struggling with himself. Carter's brows knitted. He cleared his throat and tried again.

"She–she can't be dead."

Carter cocked her head.

"What was going on?"

"It's...confidential. She was...helping me."

"Anything I should know about?"

"Nope." Kavanagh's voice was strained and slightly higher than usual, but absolutely certain. He swallowed with some difficulty.

"And...?"

"I...I don't know. I have to think about it some more."

"You don't have much time." Carter said it as gently as she could.

"I–" He spread his hands, shaking his head, and let them drop. Carter watched him, her eyes troubled. He shrugged finally, closed his eyes, and took his glasses off, pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose.

"Fine, ok. What the hell. I'm screwed any way this goes."

Sheppard stood up.

"Good enough for me. You ok with this?"

Carter nodded, slowly.

Sheppard lifted his head an inch or so off his cot. Kavanagh lay just across from him, hooked up to the Ancient device that would link their minds.

"You sure about this?"

Kavanagh was looking distinctly paler than usual. He snorted.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure I don't want to do it."

Sheppard raised one eyebrow.

"What are we doing here then?"

Kavanagh gave him a look that questioned whether there was anything between his ears but space.

"Well, I don't want to die. Do the math."

"Anything I ought to know before we...?"

Kavanagh looked over at him, then laid back on the cot and closed his eyes.

"This was your idea, Colonel. I'm not responsible for any trauma you bring on yourself."

Colonel Sheppard gave him a disgusted look.

"You're welcome. Glad you appreciate my willingness to delve into the unimaginable horrors of your psyche."

Kavanagh cleared his throat, nervously.

"It's not that dangerous. Dr. Keller will be right here to stop this in case you find–in case anything gets too extreme."

"Right..." Sheppard didn't think it was the time to tell him that he and Dr. Keller had had their own brief discussion on the matter. He wasn't leaving till the entity was safely out of Kavanagh's mind. Whatever it took. He'd let this thing go on long enough. No-one else was going to die because of him.

"You ready?

Kavanagh's shoulders tensed slightly.

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be."

"Was that a yes?"

"I...yeah, ok. Yes."

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Kavanagh was standing there, his arms crossed, in an otherwise empty room. Sheppard looked at him sideways.

"Kavanagh?"

"Yes?" Kavanagh raised his head and met Sheppard's eyes defiantly.

Sheppard glanced around. Nothing.

"Are you dreaming yet? I don't see any sign of my evil twin. And this doesn't seem particularly scary. Except...oh, right. Claustrophobia."

"It's not severe. And no, I haven't started dreaming. This is...my quiet place, actually." Kavanagh's chin came up a little.

Sheppard cocked his head.

"What about our friend?"

"He's not here."

"Oh? You going to tell me where he is? I take it you know."

"Yeah. I know where he is. But I'm not going with you."

"Why not?"

Kavanagh swallowed hard.

"I don't want to go there. I haven't gone there in a long time. Dr. Heightmeyer says—uh, said—that it's better if I don't."

"But you went there last week, didn't you? You've been having the nightmares, just like the others."

"I don't want to talk about it!" Kavanagh gripped his head with both hands.

"Look, I need your help! I don't know my way around your head." Sheppard wasn't at all sure he wanted to know his way around Kavanagh's head. But there was no other way to get to the alien thing that was threatening all of his friends.

Kavanagh's hands didn't move.

"This is your life, Kavanagh. Help me out. I'm not leaving him in here."

"No. No. I can't. I–"

"Kavanagh!"

"I–I've changed my mind, all right? I'm not going in there!"

"You know what? We don't have time for this." Sheppard stepped forward, gripped Kavanagh by his uniform, and headed straight for one of the white walls.

"No! Wai-"

The world turned upside down, swirling images shooting by on either side as they fell.

They landed in the backyard of a very ordinary suburban home. Kavanagh stood up slowly. He was staring across the road, at a dingy house with a broken window and a rusty garage door that was closed tightly.

Sheppard reached out and touched him. He started violently and backed away, against the fence.

"What's in that garage? Is that where he is?"

Kavanagh nodded.

"How do I get in? Through the house?"

Kavanagh took a long, trembling breath and closed his eyes.

"No. The house is locked. There's a window, but it'll take time to get it pried loose. It has chicken wire nailed over it to keep kids from breaking it." He sank into a crouch and covered his head with his arms.

"I have to go back. I can't do this."

"Hold on. Stay with me. I'll be right here with you." He edged closer to Kavanagh. If he could just get close enough to grab him again...

Kavanagh stood and backed away along the fence, still shaking his head.

"I'm not doing this. You–you should get out while you can."

"Not a chance." Sheppard's eyes were riveted on his. Kavanagh shook his head harder as Sheppard inched toward him.

"Whatever happens is your fault, then. I told you you should leave. I told you."

"Kavanagh, wait!"

He turned suddenly and vanished into the fence. Sheppard swore and spun around. There were a few other people in the street, but no-one seemed to have noticed him. He crossed the road quickly and slipped around to the back of the garage. There it was, the window. He raised his head, very cautiously, and glanced inside.


	3. Chapter 3

The garage was dimly lit by the sunlight filtering through the dirt-streaked window. A paler, slightly shorter, and distinctly skinnier version of Kavanagh was standing with his back to the wall of the garage, pinned there by a tall, muscular man with tattooed arms. The entity, disguised in Sheppard's body, leaned casually against the wall of the garage, observing them both with avid interest.

"I didn't mean for it to go off! We thought it was safe!" Kavanagh's voice trembled.

"I'll be more careful next time, I swear. No-one'll get hurt. I'll never let it happ–"

"It's too fucking late for that. Being more careful next time isn't going to give Jamie back his leg, is it?"

"I'm–I'm so sorry, Mr Miller..." Kavanagh's voice was barely audible. Sheppard saw the older man press something against Kavanagh. He couldn't see what it was, but it made Kavanagh jump and jerk both hands up, flattening himself against the wall of the garage.

"Not as sorry as you're going to be." The man gripped Kavanagh's hair and jerked his head back. The entity stuck its head forward, eagerly. Sheppard felt his stomach twist at the expression on its face, his face.

"It was your fault. Every bit of it. Just like this is your fault." The entity's lips curled upwards.

Kavanagh's eyes darted from his face to the leering face of his captor.

"Please don't do this. Don't."

The man poked the gun under Kavanagh's chin and lifted it, staring straight into his eyes. Kavanagh stared back, petrified.

"Mr. Miller, I'm going to—you're going to make me f—"

"Oh, I know about your little habit. All about it. For example, I know it only happens when you haven't had your medicine for a few days. Jamie told me you take it every Monday and every Friday. What day is today, Peter?"

Kavanagh whimpered, shaking his head in helpless denial as the man's free hand jerked his pants open and seized him, roughly. The entity watched greedily. Sheppard swore under his breath and worked harder at the window.

"You're–you're hurting me—"

"What day is it, Peter? Tell me what day it is."

"F-Friday."

The gun jabbed viciously against Kavanagh's neck.

"Who are you talking to, boy? Where _are_ your manners?"

Kavanagh was crying now. Sheppard could hardly make out what he was saying.

"Mr. M–Miller. It's Friday, Mr. Miller. Sir."

Dr. Keller watched anxiously as the readings on the monitor spiked.

"Doctor?" Carter looked at her, raising her eyebrows slightly.

"Should we unhook them?"

Dr. Keller drew a short breath.

"I know it looks bad, but it's still within safe parameters. Just barely. Do you want me to stop this?"

Carter's brows furrowed.

"Can you stop it in time if it hits the limit?"

"I think so. I'm pretty sure I can."

"All right. Let it go."

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Sheppard worked doggedly at the window, trying not to think about what was going on inside. Was it his imagination, or was the window resisting with more strength than its weathered frame should be capable of possessing? The man didn't seem to be able to hear or see him, but the entity watched him with a knowing smirk, enjoying his growing frustration.

Kavanagh's muffled cries had turned into retching gasps. The man jerked his vomit-speckled hand away from Kavanagh's mouth and back-handed him, slamming his head against the wall of the garage. With a groan of mingled disgust and satisfaction he thrust his hips one last time against the quivering body under his, gasping as he forced his pleasure between Kavanagh's trembling, blood-streaked legs. Kavanagh collapsed, choking and sobbing, his body curling into a pile of awkward arms and legs, one hand clawing at the unyielding wall.

Sheppard looked down, breathing hard, and realized he was shaking. There was blood on his hands where he'd cut them, oblivious to the pain as he pounded and pried at the window. He raised his hands, clenched them.

"It's too late. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't save him."

"That's right." The smooth, malevolent voice of his doppelganger made him jerk his head up. There it was, only a few feet away, leaning against the wall of the garage.

"You couldn't. He'll hate you now. Every time he sees you he'll remember this. Did you know he's been trying to get rid of that memory for thirteen years? And now, you've brought it all back. With my help, of course."

Sheppard just stood there, staring at his hands.

"You bastard." He said it quietly, incidentally. The entity let its smile widen, the lust in its eyes turning the clean-cut good looks into something unspeakably evil. Sheppard looked up, his eyes narrowing.

"You...fucking...BASTARD!" He flung himself at the alien.

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"Great job, John." Elizabeth greeted him with a smile as he sat up. He noticed with a sudden lift of his heart that there were two glowing flowers in the cases beside them.

"It worked?"

"Yes. We're just about to send them both back to their planet."

"That is a really good idea. Not ever going back there is a good idea too."

"I agree." She put a hand on his shoulder.

"Kavanagh's gone back to his quarters to get some rest. I think you should probably to do the same."

"Can't argue with you there." He gave a grin of mingled weariness and relief and headed back to his room.

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There was someone on his bed, lying curled up with his back to the door. Sheppard's pulse quickened. He paused, his hand on his gun. Then he saw them; the tousled curls, the slack, neglected ponytail.

"Kavanagh? That you?" He crossed swiftly to the bed, laid a hand on the motionless shoulder.

Kavanagh's eyes fluttered open as Sheppard lifted him. His voice was thin and wavered between a whisper and speech.

"Why did you do it? Why did you make me go back there? I didn't want to." His body settled against Sheppard's, his arms and head moving whichever way gravity or Sheppard's hands pulled them. Sheppard's shocked eyes took in the dark stain spreading across his bed and down the other side, the paleness of Kavanagh's skin, the razor blade that slid from between his limp fingers.

"I thought it would...help–I didn't–Kavanagh?"

There was no response. He tapped his communicator.

"Infirmary, this is Sheppard! I've got an emergency in my quarters. Get somebody down here now!"

"We're on the way, Colonel." The earpiece went silent. He shook Kavanagh fiercely, ran a hand up his neck, dreading what he would find when he pressed his fingers into the valley between Kavanagh's windpipe and the muscle on the side of his neck . A faint pulse met his fingers.

Throb. Throb. Throb.

He cradled Kavanagh against his shoulder and gripped his wrists, digging his fingers into the white flesh, clamping his hands over the red stream pulsing from the cuts. He willed the blood to stop, but it was leaking around his fingers with every beat of Kavanagh's heart. There was too much blood, his hands were slipping...He repositioned them and bore down again.

"Come on. Come on."

Wait. The blood was slowing. It was. He could feel it. He summoned the last bit of strength in his quivering arms and squeezed tighter.

Throb. Throb.

"Infirmary!"

"Almost there, Colonel, hold on!"

Throb.

Then Kavanagh was lying inert and lifeless in his arms, the blue eyes staring dully past his shoulder, blood still leaking slowly from his spent arteries. Sheppard's hands loosened slowly. One of them moved, as if on its own, sliding up to stroke the still-warm cheek, slipping into the loosened hair. That ridiculous hair, that Kavanagh had always kept so carefully and severely pulled back. Until now. The hand clenched suddenly, still tangled in the messy curls.

"God, Kavanagh..."

Sheppard didn't even need to look up to know who gave the low, triumphant laugh behind him.


	4. Chapter 4

Carter stood, her eyes focused on Kavanagh as Keller pressed the defibrillators against his chest and shocked him again. His chest jerked up to meet the paddles, but the flat line across the monitor didn't budge. Keller gritted her teeth and shoved the paddles against him one more time.

The monitor beeped and a spike rippled the perfect line. Another spike, and another. Dr. Keller dropped the paddles onto the table, staggering a little. She leaned on the table for a second, then turned back. Kavanagh was just opening his eyes.

"What happened? Is it–did you get it–"

"Calm down. Calm. Down." Carter's stern stare brooked no argument. He relaxed back into his pillow, watching her anxiously. Dr. Keller placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You had a heart attack. The entity's moved to Colonel Sheppard."

Kavanagh looked over at where Sheppard lay, twitching and mumbling.

"The question is, why did it leave so suddenly? So...willingly?" McKay stared intently at Kavanagh, getting an apprehensive glare in return.

"Shock! Electric shock. It's the defibrillators." McKay's face glowed with that look he got during his flashes of brilliance. Kavanagh gave him a deeply resentful look.

Sheppard's monitor started to beep, a steady, ominous sound. Dr. Keller looked torn.

"His heart rate is skyrocketing. This is bad."

"Can you wake him up?" Carter looked from Sheppard to the monitor.

"I could, but in his physical state that might just make things worse."

Zelenka pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"Yes, and...the entity would still be in him."

"Hook us back up."

The eyes of the entire team turned to Kavanagh. McKay looked at him as if he'd forgotten he was there.

"What?" Ronon's voice was incredulous. Kavanagh's mouth tightened with anger, but he didn't look up. His eyes were fixed on Sheppard, watching his erratic, desperate movements as he fought a losing battle against something only he could see.

"Colonel Sheppard needs help. Hook us up again."

"Dr. Kavanagh, are you sure about this?" Dr. Keller paused, the cord that would connect them dangling from one hand. He closed his eyes.

"Just do it, all right?"

McKay's hand went up and out, pointing at Carter.

"This could work! Listen..."

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John lay on the floor, spitting blood, his whole body aching from the entity's assault.

"Fight me, John. You can still win. Get up."

"I won't. That's what you want. That's how you...get your strength." John groaned and cringed away from the boot that drove brutally into his side.

"It's your fault Heightmeyer died. It's your fault your friend is lying in there, on your bed, with his wrists slit. You did that to him."

"We're not friends." The entity turned in shocked surprise. Kavanagh stepped down the first of the three steps off the higher level. He stopped short as the entity's brows lowered. Murder glinted in its eyes. Kavanagh gulped and stepped back, his voice shaking slightly.

"And I didn't slit my wrists. I had a heart attack. You thought I was dead, but you were wrong."

The entity stepped toward him purposefully. Kavanagh cowered.

"I'm not even on his team! You think he cares what happens to me? He only did what he did so he could get to you. You won't get anything out of this! Aaaagh!" His face twisted with pain as the entity seized him by the collar and slammed him against the wall.

"I'll get the pleasure of feeling you squirm, _Peter_." The entity's face blurred, turned suddenly older and harsher, lines and pockmarks biting into the surface of its skin.

"Oh God. Oh my God." Kavanagh squeezed his eyes shut. Behind them, Sheppard picked himself up, his bruised body protesting every move.

"McKay, what the fuck are you waiting for? McKay!" Kavanagh's voice was completely stripped of its bravado and the naked terror in it jerked at something in Sheppard's chest. He swore, gathered his strength, and flung himself against the entity's back, gripping with both hands and yanking it backwards. The entity stumbled away from them, its momentum bringing it up sharply against the opposite wall.

"Not this time, you don't!"

The entity turned, its face a hideous mixture of Sheppard's features and the monster from Kavanagh's subconscious.

"All right. If that's how you want it. You first." Its body rose off the floor, floated for a second, and settled effortlessly into place. Sheppard lunged at it but it swatted him back, sending him crashing against the wall. It leaned over him and dragged him up, its face contorted with rage. Sheppard choked, his face reddening as the entity's hand tightened on his throat.

"Kav–Kavanagh–" Through a red haze he saw Kavanagh slumped on the floor. There would be no more help from him. He closed his eyes as the entity's face came closer.

The world went white and everything disappeared. Sheppard gasped, huge, needy breaths. The entity staggered backwards, stumbled and fell.

"What the–?" Sheppard staggered to his feet, not knowing or caring what had happened. He plunged after the entity, hauled it up. The white light flashed through the room again, electric tendrils shooting from Sheppard's hands to curl and spark viciously around the entity's twitching body. Sheppard's fist rammed into the entity's stomach, its face, again and again.

The entity put up its hands.

"Wait. Stop." Its voice was weak and panicky.

"I can help your friend. We can stop Miller this time. Look at this face. I can control him. Make him hide again. Then your friend won't hate you. Let me go back in there. I can fix it." The entity panted and struggled in Sheppard's grasp. Sheppard's eyes narrowed.

"I can't stop him. It's thirteen years too late. Messing with a memory–I don't even know what the hell that would do, anyway. And no way am I letting you anywhere near Kavanagh again."

"No, listen to me! If we go back in there, if we stop Miller this time, he'll be gone forever. I can do it. I've done it before." It shivered and moaned as another burst of the electricity went through it.

"Aaagh! Don't–don't you think your friend would thank you for that?"

Sheppard lifted it with both hands, looked it directly in the eye.

"That's not my decision to make. And it sure as hell isn't yours." The alien cringed away, gasping. Sheppard smiled grimly.

"Besides, he was right. We're not friends." He spun the alien around and flung it through the Stargate's shimmering event horizon.


	5. Chapter 5

Sheppard opened his eyes as Dr. Keller disconnected the cables attaching him to the alien device. Kavanagh had pushed himself up on his elbows, half-turning to stare at him, his eyes numb with horror and dismay. Sheppard swallowed and shook his head slightly, soundlessly mouthing,

"It's ok."

Kavanagh sat up, squeezed his eyes shut and covered his face with his hands. Sheppard's face twisted with worry.

"Do you–" He swallowed again, took a deep breath, and plowed ahead.

"Do you want to...uh...talk to somebody about it?"

Kavanagh shook his head vigorously.

"Sure about that?"

Kavanagh nodded, with more determination, if anything. He struggled with himself for a second, then spoke.

"I'm going back to my room." He shoved himself clumsily off the bed, staggering as he stood.

"Ok." Sheppard sat up himself, pulling the last of the sensor wires off, relief fighting with a nagging feeling that he should follow Kavanagh. Dr. Keller slipped an arm inside Kavanagh's as he turned. He looked at her blankly.

"Dr. Kavanagh, I need you to come down to the infirmary so I can run some tests. Just to be safe."

He shook his head.

"I need...to go to my room. P–please."

"Just a few. It'll be very quick."

He turned without another word and went with her. Sheppard wasn't sure he'd ever seen Kavanagh obey like that, without complaining or at least muttering a snide comment. Something about it seemed wrong, and it tugged at that place inside him. There was a small but insistent ache developing there. He set his teeth and sighed, heavily.

"Hey, uh, Colonel Carter?"

Carter's eyes had followed Kavanagh as he went out with Dr. Keller. There was an answering concern in her eyes as they snapped back to meet Sheppard's.

"I'll put a 24-hr watch on him. He won't be alone. Colonel Sheppard, is there anything I need to know about what happened in there?"

Sheppard thought carefully for a second, then shook his head.

"I'll keep a sharp eye on him. He'll be all right." His eyes strayed to the two glass containers that now housed two of the glowing crystals.

"Let's get those out of here asap."

"I'm with you on that." She beckoned to McKay.

Sheppard knocked on the frame of Kavanagh's door. He'd rung the doorbell, but no-one answered. The guard told him Kavanagh hadn't left, and Sheppard felt his insides quiver. He pulled his stunner out and fired into the control panel. The doors relaxed open with a click. He thrust his fingers between them and shoved them open, stepped inside.

"Kavanagh?" He stopped abruptly as he saw Kavanagh through the open doorway to the bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Oh...uh...sorry..."

"Sorry for what? It's not the first time you've forced your way in." Kavanagh's voice was laced with anger. Sheppard ignored the question.

"Can we talk?"

"About what?"

"About why that door was hot-wired not to open. About why you wouldn't answer the bell."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"I'm not going away till you do."

Kavanagh made a small, exasperated sound.

"All right, fine. If nothing else will get rid of you. You may as well come in, it's not like you care whether I say yes or no, anyway."

Sheppard walked into the room. Kavanagh hadn't even gotten out of his pajamas. His hair was messy and his glasses had slid down to the end of his nose.

"You know, I had to do that. I didn't have any choice. It was going to kill you."

"Well maybe I would have liked to make that choice myself."

Sheppard didn't say anything, just let it hang silently in the air between them.

 _"I saved your life."_

 _"You saved my life."_

"You...you should have waited till I said yes." Kavanagh's voice was suddenly small and petulant. Sheppard bristled slightly.

"Don't take this personally, Kavanagh, but it was my call and I happened to think your life was more important than–"

"My dignity?" Kavanagh looked him in the eye and Sheppard found his lips suddenly unwilling to finish the sentence. His brows knitted .

"If that's what you want to call it, yes. Look, maybe it was a bad call. I don't know. But it seemed like the only thing to do at the time. I'm not sorry and I'd do it again."

Kavanagh looked sullenly away, out of the corners of his eyes.

"You should have waited."

Sheppard groaned inwardly. There was no way he was going to win this one.

"Ok. I'm sorry. What else can I say?."

Kavanagh sighed.

"Nothing. There's nothing else to say." For once there wasn't any sharpness in his voice, just defeat.

"Guess not." Sheppard shifted his weight to his other foot.. Kavanagh hung his head.

"If I promise not to slit my wrists, will you leave?"

"Fine." Sheppard's mouth tightened. Every line of their conversation had made the ache inside him worse, not better. He turned without another word and left Kavanagh's quarters.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The moonlight on the waves turned them to ink, a sea of ink gently swelling and ebbing under the pier where Teyla, Sheppard, and Ronon sat. Sheppard raised the bottle of Athosian beer to his lips. Teyla had claimed that it was leftover from a friend's wedding, but he suspected she had brought it especially for him. He frowned, wondering if it really was that obvious much he'd let Kavanagh's obstinacy bother him.

Ronan took a noisy swig from his own bottle. He didn't show any signs of concern, unlike Teyla. Years of running, planning, and plotting had taught him that patience is the most vital part of any strategy. So he drank his beer, and waited, casting side glances at Sheppard from time to time.

"You know, what gets to me..." Sheppard set the bottle down.

"That he doesn't want to be your buddy, now you've been inside his head?" Ronan's lips parted in the toothy grin that sent dimples into the depths of his cheeks.

"Can't say I blame him. Anybody got that close to my secrets, I'd probably kill 'em."

"Ronan." Teyla gave him a disapproving look. He shrugged and looked away, taking another drink.

Sheppard looked at him through slightly drink-muddled eyes. Usually he held his liquor fairly well, but the last few days had been hell. It was as much fatigue as alchohol that was slowing his speech this time.

"Actually..." He raised a finger for emphasis.

"It's...the way he's been acting. You know, like I did something...wrong."

Teyla grimaced. He cocked an eyebrow at her.

"What? If I hadn't gone in there, he'd probably be dead by now. You know that as well as I do."

Her eyes softened as they took in the unhappy twist of his lips, the doubt that showed even through the belligerence in his eyes.

"I also know you well enough to know that you would not let yourself be bothered by it if you did not yourself wonder whether you did the right thing." She put a hand on his shoulder.

"John, you had to make a difficult decision. I will not say I think it was completely the right thing to do. But it may have been the only thing to do. Sometimes, as leaders, one has to make such decisions."

Sheppard nodded glumly and raised his bottle to his lips. Every word she'd said was exactly right, as always, but as usual, it didn't help. Ronon tilted the bottle at him, catching his sluggish attention.

"She's right, you know."

Sheppard made a face.

"Well thank you for that, Sherlock. Don't think I could have figured it out for myself."

Ronon grinned again and went back to his bottle. The three sat in silence for several minutes. Ronon was the first to break it.

"You're going at this all wrong."

Sheppard scowled.

"Whaddya mean by that?"

"He's not a soldier. He's a coddled, spoiled kid that never grew up. You know he's got this little-boy crush on you, right?"

"What?" Sheppard's brow wrinkled with what could have been either disbelief or disgust.

"Oh yeah." Both of Ronon's eyebrows lifted seriously.

"Now I think about it, that's probably why he's playing hurt. He just wants some attention. You should try giving him some."

Sheppard stared at him.

"You saying I should...Teyla, is he saying-what is he saying?"

She gave him a blank look.

"Frankly, I'm as confused as you are. Although I agree with Ronon on one thing. Dr. Kavanagh does-or at least did-appear to hold you in a somewhat higher regard than he does the rest of his colleagues. Although it's no secret that he made a habit of describing just about everyone on the base in negative terms, I have never heard that he used to talk about you in that manner." She turned to the grinning Satedan.

"Ronon, what exactly are you suggesting?"

"Nothing the Colonel here couldn't pull off. Just saying, all that charm, you should try turning some of it on him. Can't hurt to try, right?" His cheeks dimpled a little more.

"I'm not...whatever that was, I'm just not." Sheppard took another drink and squinted at Ronon.

"Not going to do it. He can just...get over it."

Ronon shrugged.

"Up to you. You won't have to worry about it much longer, anyhow, if it's true, what people are saying."

"What's that?"

A surprised lift of a single eyebrow added disbelief to the expressive display already on Ronon's face.

"You didn't know? He's put in for a transfer to Earth. Thinks he's got it coming, I guess." Ronon's voice didn't change, but his eyes were uncharacteristically thoughtful as he looked out over the rolling waves and drank the last of his bottle.

"Hmmph...maybe he does, at that."

Sheppard woke with a start the next morning. Even the headache wasn't enough to keep the thoughts that had woken him from pounding through his head.

"He's transferring. To Earth. We can't let him go." He threw back the covers and scrambled for his clothes, muttering to himself.

"I've got to tell Carter. I've got to stop this."


	6. Chapter 6

Kavanagh was just opening the door as Sheppard burst into Carter's office. He backed hastily against the wall, clutching the papers in his hands a little tighter against his chest. Carter raised one eyebrow, her gaze taking in Sheppard's disheveled uniform, his even-more-untidy-than-usual hair.

"Colonel Sheppard? Is there something I can do for you?"

Sheppard's eyes darted from Kavanagh to Carter.

"Yes. Yes, there is." He noticed Kavanagh edging toward the door and fixed his eyes on him. Kavanagh stared back, the pale blue eyes widening slightly. Sheppard pointed an accusing finger at him.

"What's he doing here?"

Kavanagh swallowed, his chin coming up. He looked at Carter, then back at Sheppard.

"I-"

"It's all right, Dr. Kavanagh. I've got this one." Carter gave Sheppard the direct stare she always used to prepare people when she knew they wouldn't like what she was about to say.

"Colonel Sheppard, the Doctor has applied for permission to return to Earth. I've given him that permission."

"You can't let him go."

Carter raised both eyebrows.

"Under the circumstances, I think he has every right to request a little time off. If you recall, Colonel, you weren't the only one who helped bring an end to that situation with the alien entity."

"That's right." Kavanagh's voice wavered a little, but he held his ground stubbornly as Sheppard swung round to face him. Sheppard gave him a long look, but he didn't back down. Sheppard turned slowly back to Carter.

"I know why he wants to go. You'll regret this, I promise."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Carter cocked her head.

"Is there something you'd like to share, Colonel? Some special reason Dr. Kavanagh shouldn't be allowed to return to Earth? Because I'm prepared to listen, but it needs to be good."

Sheppard's eyes narrowed suddenly. He turned his head, catching Kavanagh's eye out of the corner of his own.

"Yeah. There is something, actually."

Kavanagh made an involuntary movement. Sheppard kept his eyes fixed on him. Carter stuck her head forward a little.

"Well?"

Sheppard opened his mouth.

"He-"

" _Sheppard!_ " Kavanagh's voice wasn't loud, in fact it was barely more than a hiss, but Sheppard knew he'd won. He raised his head a little.

"Colonel Carter, I think Dr. Kavanagh and I need to discuss this in private.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Well, let's see." Sheppard's lips had a small smirk as he turned to Kavanagh.

"What do you think, Kav? Want to talk to me alone, or with the Colonel listening in?"

"You. Just you." Kavanagh's eyes were fixed on the floor. He looked up just as Sheppard beckoned to him. His nostrils flared and his lips tightened, but he controlled himself and followed Sheppard into the next room.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kavanagh slammed the papers down on the nearest table and spun to face Sheppard the minute the door was closed, . His mouth opened and closed several times before he could form a coherent sentence. When he did, his voice was thick with anger. He thumped a furious finger against Sheppard's chest.

"That was low, Sheppard. _Really_ low."

Sheppard made a placating gesture.

"I wasn't going to tell her. It was the only way to get you out of there. You were about to run, don't tell me you weren't."

"What makes it any of your business what I do? Colonel Carter already approved my request! You have absolutely no right to tell me whether I can or can't leave."

"I have to help run this city and it damn well is my business when anybody comes or goes!" He hadn't meant to let Kavanagh under his skin, but he could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. Kavanagh snorted.

"Help run it? You think you _do_ run it, there's your problem, right there! Well, you're wrong. Colonel Carter's in charge here, not you. I have all the authority I need. There's nothing you can do about it." He ended on a note of smug satisfaction that made little timers go off in Sheppard's head. Sheppard lowered his head and stepped toward Kavanagh, his eyes narrowing.

"Oh really?"

Kavanagh backed up, his smirk faltering a little. Sheppard saw something change in his eyes, a note of doubt creeping in. He turned his head and looked at Sheppard sideways.

"Colonel...Sheppard?" His hand crept up toward his communicator.

Sheppard winced and hung his head.

"Damn it, Kavanagh. It's me, all right?" He ran both hands through his hair, clenched them, and let them drop to his hips.

"I guess you're right about one thing. There's nothing I can do to make you stay. Not... the way things are."

Kavanagh let his hand fall away from his ear, but kept a careful eye on Sheppard.

"What do you want from me?"

Sheppard ran another hand through his hair and scratched his head, thinking. Finally he looked up, his eyes serious.

"Look, I...I just wanted to have a little talk. I think you need to talk."

"Well, I disagree. I think you need to back off and let me do what I think is best, for a change. So where does that leave you? I guess you're stuck, aren't you? Unless you're planning to show everyone that you and that alien have more in common that they thought."

Sheppard couldn't control his quick, involuntary reaction, but he stopped himself before he reached Kavanagh. He fought for control, his fists clenched, breathing hard. Kavanagh's eyes taunted him, mocked him, telling him he meant every fraction of the insulting words and tone. Sheppard's eyes narrowed. He took a deep, calming breath and spoke, his voice carefully, deceptively casual, his fists still clenched at his sides.

"You know, you should talk to people more. Do you good."

Kavanagh sneered.

"I talk to people. I talk to people so much McKay tells me to shut up sometimes."

"You know what I mean. About... _things_."

The blue eyes pierced Sheppard's, pinning him. His lips parted in surprise as Kavanagh stepped closer. There was no insolence in the eyes now, only a desperate, frightening intensity. Sheppard realized with a jolt that Ronon had, with his usual shrewdness, seen Kavanagh more clearly than any of them had. It was how he'd known he'd be able to crack him without even touching him, that day in the interrogation room...

Sheppard wondered, suddenly, if Kavanagh had looked at Ronon then the way he was looking at Sheppard now. His stomach turned at the thought and suddenly he hated Ronon, hated them both, for what they had done, what they were doing. What he was doing. It wasn't Ronon's voice or eyes that would break Kavanagh this time.

He flinched as Kavanagh planted both feet firmly and crossed his arms, his eyes fixed on Sheppard's, terrified but determined. Sheppard was reminded of a dog he'd cornered once, as a child. The other children were throwing rocks at it and he'd gone along with them, eager to show that he was the strongest and quickest of them all. It was the first time he'd ever felt that gnawing inside him, when he'd thrown the rock. The dog had made a bizarre, almost human sound, something between a sob and a scream, and flung itself at Sheppard's head. He hadn't even fought back, and his friends had laughed as he just stood, watching it run away, blood trickling down his face and one arm.

The same trapped look was in Kavanagh's eyes as he thrust himself into Sheppard's space, pushing him, daring him to fight back.

"What if it was you? What if you were the one it'd happened to? You have plenty of friends here, everybody likes you, Mr. Great-Big-Fucking-Hero. Who would _you_ tell? Huh? Who?"

Sheppard grimaced and looked down. Kavanagh stabbed a finger at him.

"Look at you. You don't even want to think about it. Because you know you wouldn't tell anybody either."

Sheppard shrugged elaborately.

"I might." He was pretty damned sure he wouldn't. He'd cut off a hand first. Kavanagh was right, and it made that place inside him start to writhe again. He looked up, almost pleadingly.

Kavanagh rolled his eyes. He gave Sheppard a look that told him he wasn't even slightly convinced, then shrugged and looked thoughtfully at the ceiling.

"Maybe you would. Maybe that's why you're top brass around here and I'm still playing second fiddle to that egomaniac, McKay. Or maybe you're just luckier than me. It doesn't matter. I don't have anyone here I trust that much."

Sheppard scratched his head and gave Kavanagh a sideways look.

"How do you know you can't trust people if you don't give 'em a chance?" It sounded annoyingly pat even to his ears. How did psychiatrists do it? Damn, it was a shame about Heightmeyer. Of all the people to have lost...

Kavanagh rolled his eyes.

"In case you've never discovered it, Colonel Sheppard-in which case, I'm very happy for you-that's a good way to get hurt. That's how things get broken that...can't be fixed."

"Yeah, but if you always play it safe, you don't get anything worth fixing."

Kavanagh just gave him a look. He raised his head a little, indignant.

"Hey, I thought that one sounded ok."

"Don't quit your day job."

Sheppard deflated. He looked plaintively at Kavanagh and tilted his head, employing the coaxing, slightly coy look that he couldn't remember using since the last days of his failed marriage. This was clearly going to take everything he had.

"I won't quit mine if you won't quit yours."

Kavanagh scowled at him.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't leave. Preferably one that doesn't include a bunch of trite, generic pseudopsychology left over from when you took Counseling 101."

Sheppard grinned, more as a stalling tactic than because he was really embarrassed. He'd used pseudopsychology for lower purposes, quite successfully. Not that anyone had gotten hurt in the process. Or so he'd always assured himself. There was a nagging voice in the back of his head that tried from time to time to convince him otherwise, but he'd always been able to weigh it against the good he knew he was achieving here, now, in Atlantis, and silence it that way. Because he was. Achieving a lot, that is. He was achieving a lot...Damn.

Sheppard felt a cold sickness grip the pit of his stomach, that way it always did when he got too close to thinking about that voice in his mind, or the little aches inside, left over from all the times he'd left someone with a smile and a promise everything would be ok. That was the past. He didn't do that anymore. He didn't let people down. He was Colonel Sheppard, leader of the entire Atlantis military force. He did not, ever, let anyone down.

The sickness came again, but it was receding, in slow, nauseating waves. He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. It gave his voice a convincing roughness when he spoke.

"What if I said...just because I want you to?"

Kavanagh's eyes leapt to his, then glanced away. Sheppard thought the blue orbs lost a fraction of their hostility, but he couldn't be sure.

"What does that mean? Not that I believe it for a minute."

Sheppard shrugged. He thrust both hands into his pockets and looked thoughtfully at Kavanagh, remembering Ronon's advice. A smile touched across his lips as he cocked his head and let his eyelids drop a little.

"Take it any way you like."

Kavanagh looked down hastily, a flush stealing into his cheeks. He hung his head and toyed idly with a cord that hung over the edge of the desk.

"I'm not a tough guy type. You won't make a soldier out of me like you did with McKay."

"Fair enough." Sheppard realized he was holding his breath and let it out, carefully.

"What you saw in my head-nobody needs to know about any of it, ever. For any reason."

"My lips are sealed."

Kavanagh gave him a truculent look.

"Like they were just now, in there? I want to hear you say it. Swear you won't tell anyone. No matter what."

"Oh, come on. What are we, ten years-"

"Swear it! Or I'm leaving right now."

Sheppard frowned and wriggled a little, thinking quickly. Nothing presented itself. He sighed.

"All right. I swear. Scout's honor." He gave an exaggerated two-fingered salute. Kavanagh glared at him. For a moment neither of them spoke.

Finally Sheppard broke the silence.

"Well?"

Kavanagh pressed his lips together.

"All right. I'll think about it. But I'm not making any promises."


	7. Chapter 7

Sheppard's brows knitted. That had gone a lot more smoothly than he'd expected, actually. Ronon had been right about Kavanagh. Maybe he was right about the charm, too. It seemed to be working. Maybe there _was_ a way to get around this without breaking anything. Anyway, like he'd said, what could it hurt? He reached out, a fraction too deliberately, and put a hand on Kavanagh's shoulder.

Kavanagh let out a sigh and looked up, met his eyes squarely. For a second their eyes locked, then Kavanagh's mouth twisted. He looked down, a muscle in his cheek jumping.

"Do you think I'm stupid, Colonel Sheppard?"

"I...no. What would make you say that?"

"I know what you think. Why you think I'm going back. For the record, you're wrong."

"Oh yeah? Not saying I think...what you think...I think..." Sheppard's brows wrinkled.

"Yes you do. Don't try to lie your way out of it. And yeah. You're wrong. You've all been wrong, about a lot of things. I don't know why nobody seems able to see it. You'd think, after that debacle Weir made of that bomb situation, the lights would go on in few heads, at least."

"Don't talk that way about Elizabeth." Sheppard's voice darkened and Kavanagh looked up quickly.

"I'm sorry. She did. I didn't wish any of what's happened since then on her, but she messed that one up. You can say whatever you want, it's not going to change my mind."

Sheppard put his hands on his hips and took a deep breath. This was going nowhere. Focus, he reminded himself. Charm. Persuasiveness. Not breaking things.

"Look, Kavanagh, I've been thinking about what I said. About us being friends. Or, well...not being friends."

"It was the truth. Why shouldn't you say it? I said it first, anyway."

Sheppard's lips pursed. He looked up thoughtfully, shrugged.

"Maybe I'd...rather it wasn't true."

"Don't."

The sudden passion in Kavanagh's voice stopped Sheppard short. His eyes searched for Kavanagh's, unsuccessfully. A slight frown wrinkled his brows.

"What's this?"

Kavanagh pointed one finger at him.

"I'm not kidding. Don't say that if you don't mean it."

"Well...maybe I do." Sheppard extended a cautious hand but Kavanagh brushed him off and wrapped his arms around himself.

"Hey, come on." Sheppard spread both hands, leaning forward automatically, then paused and drew back. He folded his own arms over his chest.

"Ok. Your move. This how you want it?"

Kavanagh's lips made a tight, thin little line. His nostrils flared a little as he breathed, short, jerky breaths. His hands picked at his clothes, nervously.

"I'm not going to push you. This one's up to you."

"You really expect me to believe that you-want-"

Kavanagh met Sheppard's eyes. Something in them cut him off short, he gulped and turned quickly away, biting his lip.

Sheppard didn't move. He just waited, one eyebrow raised slightly. Slowly, Kavanagh turned back to face him.

"Ok, fine." Kavanagh didn't look up.

"Ok, what?"

Kavanagh set his teeth.

"I'm here, all right? You can-you can...here." Kavanagh thrust a hand out.

Sheppard still didn't move.

"You know what? This is ridiculous. Just forget it." Kavanagh turned away abruptly, but Sheppard reached out and caught his arm.

"Hey. Hey. Ok. Come on." He was working his way closer with every word, blocking Kavanagh as he tried to escape. Kavanagh finally stopped trying and just stood there, his arms crossed tightly, his hands clenching and unclenching in his own uniform. Sheppard felt him tremble once, violently, as he put one hand, very slowly and deliberately, on his shoulder. His voice had lost most of its volume and all of its sneer when he spoke.

"Colonel Sheppard, I'm not-I don't know if I can-I-"

"Take it easy. Take it easy." Sheppard's voice was low and soothing. Kavanagh let go of himself with one hand, reached up under Sheppard's arm, very carefully, and pushed his glasses up on his nose. Something slipped under them and Kavanagh caught it neatly, wiping it away with the same thoroughness and focus he gave his experiments, using each of his fingers in succession to remove any evidence it had ever existed. He sniffed and half-turned, but Sheppard was there, his other hand coming up to block Kavanagh's left side. Kavanagh stopped short. Another trickle escaped. He gave up and took his glasses off, pressed his free hand against his eyes.

"Damn him." Something in Sheppard's voice said he was talking about more than the alien that had worn his face and body. Kavanagh swallowed. For a second he just stood, his hand over his eyes, every muscle tensed and quivering, then he laughed, a choked, explosive sound that made Sheppard's chest constrict painfully.

"What do you care? This is all a ploy. You don't want me to make any trouble with the IOA, and this is your ever-so-subtle way of making sure I don't. Why don't you just admit it?"

A surge of anger rippled through Sheppard. He gripped Kavanagh's shoulders.

"Look, you. This isn't about that."

"Oh yeah? Why else would you give a damn? You never did before. None of you did."

"That's not true." Sheppard felt himself on shaky ground, but he stood firm. Kavanagh gave him a look that went straight to his core, reading him. His eyes narrowed.

"Yeah. Whatever." He wrenched away, shaking off Sheppard's hands.

"Kavanagh, wait-"

He paused at the the door. The redness around his eyes gave his face an odd sort of dignity, and Sheppard felt his insides clench again. That was going to hurt later, remembering that look.

"Nice try, Colonel Sheppard. I'm going home. I'm going home and you can't stop me."

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Ronon deflected one of Sheppard's more forceful than usual swings and grinned appreciatively.

"You know, you're best at this when you're mad at somebody."

Sheppard scowled but couldn't deny it. Where pressure, emotional or physical, turned others into tension-ridden wrecks, it honed and accentuated his abilities, turned already hard muscles to steel. He could feel it humming in him as he took his stance and attacked again, his normally quick reflexes approaching precognitive levels. Ronon bit his lip as he defended himself, but the smile didn't fade, if anything it got brighter. There really was nothing the Satedan liked better than fighting. Sheppard suspected that same smile would be on his face when he died. He hoped it would, he couldn't see Ronon passing away peacefully in bed. It wasn't in his nature.

Sheppard twirled his sticks butts-up and crossed them, indicating the end of the match, and walked over to the bench, dropping the sticks beside him as he sat. He'd come closer to having the upper hand this session than he ever had before, but it didn't give him the surge of satisfaction it should have. He leaned back and took a long drink from his water bottle.

"So...same as before? Kavanagh giving you knots in the head?"

Sheppard shrugged. Ronon looked at him curiously.

"There something you haven't told us?"

John pursed his lips.

"Yep."

Ronon's eyebrows arched, the grin returning. He made no effort to mask the slight surprise in his eyes.

"Didn't have you figured for the secretive type."

"Yeah, well, I'm full of surprises." John took another drink.

"You told Teyla? Or McKay?" There was no trace of jealousy in his voice. Sheppard looked at him, wondering what it must be like to be able to take the world so matter-of-factly. Sheppard didn't show his emotions to the world like the volatile and vocal scientists tended to, but neither did he have Ronon's faculty of simply letting them occur and then vanish, leaving no trace.

"No," he admitted. Ronon's expression turned serious.

"Really? That bad?"

Sheppard nodded.

Ronon thumped one stick against his palm.

"But you're going to tell me, right?" He shifted his body forward and gave Sheppard a smile that was all teeth and dimples. Sheppard knew suddenly that he could, and that he would, because Ronon would listen without caring whether any of it was right or wrong. He might even laugh, and then it would feel better, because Sheppard wasn't laughing.

"I, uh...when I was in his head...you know how I told you I had a hard time getting in?"

"Yeah. Teyla thought you were all cut up about just being in there. Thought you felt guilty for seeing stuff you weren't meant to see. But that's not all."

Sheppard dropped his face into his hands.

"Nope."

Ronon lifted an eyebrow pointedly when Sheppard didn't elaborate. Sheppard glanced at him and grimaced, looked down at his hands.

"He told me to stop. A couple times. He tried to keep me out, but I...I went in anyway."

"And you think that's why he wants to go back." Ronon's voice held sudden comprehension. Sheppard looked up.

"What do you think?"

Ronon snorted.

"It's Kavanagh. I'd say it's pretty damn likely."

Sheppard put his face back in his hands and groaned. Ronon looked confused.

"You mean, he can make trouble for you over something like that? Even though you're a colonel?"

"Ohhhh, yeah. See, on Earth it's not like it is here in Pegasus. Fighters aren't a commodity. A soldier can get in a damned lot of trouble over the stupidest things. Things a lot less serious than this."

"You were just trying to save his sorry ass. What's the problem? Don't they let you people defend yourselves, or your friends? Cause that's all you were trying to do."

"You and I know that. They don't. And most of them won't care. They'll take it and use it for their own agendas. Like, for example, taking money from the Stargate program and putting it back in their pockets, or into their own pet projects. That's how it works. You don't have to tell me how screwed up it is."

Ronon looked at him, a glint in his eye and a smirk pulling at his lips.

"Sheppard?"

Sheppard looked at him.

"That's screwed up."

He wasn't fast enough to dodge Sheppard's hand completely as it went for the back of his head, but he half-deflected it, laughing aloud. He settled back, sobering a little.

"So we have to keep him from going back to Earth but your good-boy conscience won't let you do anything fast or effective, right?"

That earned him another swat. Sheppard sighed.

"In a nutshell, yeah. That pretty much says it. That, and..." He hesitated, not sure he wanted to explain his other reason for not wanting Kavanagh to leave.

"And?"

He locked eyes with Ronon. The Satedan didn't back off, even slightly. Sheppard's shoulders slumped. He looked down.

"Can't help feeling like I dropped the ball. With this whole thing, but especially with him."

"Ah..." Ronon tilted his head back and looked at him from under the dark lashes.

"But keeping him here fixes both problems, right?"

"It would. For now. If we could."

"Mm." Ronon settled into a contemplative silence. He didn't speak again until they parted ways to go to their own quarters.

"Hey, don't worry. We'll figure something out."

"Thanks, buddy." Sheppard turned and strode into his quarters, dropping his gym bag on the floor as the door closed quietly behind him.

Ronon stood there for a few seconds, looking thoughtful, then sauntered off in the general direction of the docks where the Daedalus was getting ready for her return flight to Earth.


	8. Chapter 8

Sheppard was going over some data with McKay when Kavanagh stormed into the lab.

"You won't get away with this! I'll have you court-martialed! You can't do this to me!" He was livid and shaking. Sheppard straightened, shocked and genuinely confused. There didn't seem to to be anything in their last confrontation to merit Kavanagh's loss of control. If anything, Sheppard would have said Kavanagh won that one.

McKay looked at him, then back at Kavanagh, clearly as confused as he was. Sheppard looked sideways at Kavanagh and took a cautious step towards him.

"Kavanagh? You all right, there?"

"Don't-don't even-" Kavanagh struggled for speech. He gritted his teeth and pointed a finger at Sheppard.

"I can't believe you'd sabotage your own ship! This is ridiculous! I'm telling you right now, I will find a way to get back to Earth. Don't underestimate me."

Sheppard raised his eyebrows and cocked his head. McKay looked away quickly, pressing his lips together.

"Is that a threat, Kavanagh? Because if it is..." He crossed the distance between them in three quick steps and faced Kavanagh, his eyes pinning him. Kavanagh choked on whatever he had been about to say. His neck muscles bulged. He looked down stubbornly, refusing to meet Sheppard's eyes.

"I will. I'm getting out of here. Whatever it takes."

"Look, Kavanagh, be reasonable-" McKay began, but  
Kavanagh cut him short.

"You have no idea! No fucking idea. Just...shut up."

McKay's face wore the same suprised and slightly affronted look that usually was Kavanagh's signature expression. Sheppard resisted a smile and spread his hands, palms up.

"Do you want to tell us what you're talking about, here?"

"Don't you play innocent! I know it was you that tampered with the Daedalus! And now they say it'll be weeks before they can leave."

"The Daedalus? What?" Sheppard turned his head and stared at McKay.

"Yeah. They found it this morning. Just a little thing, but one of those things everything else depends on. I...thought you knew-that you'd heard about it. Already, I mean." McKay's voice faltered slightly.

"Rodney, I didn't do anything to that ship!"

McKay gulped.

"They said it was just an accident, anyway. Normal wear and tear, something just gave way."

Kavanagh's eyes narrowed.

"Don't give me that! I know it was tampered with!"

Sheppard turned back to face him.

"Look, I swear-"

"I can't. I can't do it. I can't stay here that long."

"Kavanagh-"

He spun without another word and marched out of the room. Sheppard followed, quickening his steps. Kavanagh broke into a run.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Sheppard caught him without too much effort and grabbed his shoulder. He jerked away, stumbled, and fell against the wall, clutching at a support with both hands. He moved to get past, but Sheppard blocked him and he shrank back. They faced each other like that, eyes locked, for several seconds.

"So...am I calling in some help, or can you make it back to your quarters without a marine on each arm?" Sheppard stressed the word 'quarters'.

Kavanagh's fists clenched. Sheppard took a half-step back, his eyes narrowing, but Kavanagh sagged suddenly against the wall.

"You don't understand. I have to get back to Earth."

"You going to give me a reason?"

Kavanagh's lips stiffened. He made a strangled sound and wiped a hand furiously across his face, his fists clenching again.

"I don't have to give you a reason! You can't keep me here. I don't care if you were Weir's boytoy, you're not in charge here anymore!"

Sheppard's body moved before his mind could, moving in close to Kavanagh. He flinched and raised both hands as Sheppard seized a handful of his shirt.

The sound of McKay clearing his throat sounded oddly loud in the hallway. Sheppard caught his breath and froze. Slowly his hand relaxed, sliding up and down to erase the wrinkles they'd just made in the fabric. Kavanagh looked up, his eyes huge and frightened, darting from Sheppard to McKay, who stood at the doorway to the lab, his face a mask of discomfort.

"Kavanagh..." Sheppard's voice was low and thick.

" _Damn_ it, Kavanagh."

Kavanagh didn't move. He squeezed his eyes shut, trembling fingers coming up to wrap around Sheppard's hand where it was still smoothing his shirt.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, I-I-"

"Look, I don't want to hurt you, but you keep..." Sheppard shook his head as if trying to clear it.

"I mean, I'm-I'm not going to hurt you. God, Kavanagh, stop it!" Sheppard gripped him by the shoulders as he flattened himself against the wall.

Kavanagh pushed himself away from the wall and turned sideways, pressing into him, one hand tugging pleadingly at Sheppard's arm. His voice was barely loud enough to reach Sheppard's ear, even as close as they were.

"Let me go home. Let me go."

"You're not going anywhere but back to your quarters." Sheppard's voice wasn't harsh, but his words were laced with finality.

"Now, are you going with me or with those marines?"

Kavanagh stopped struggling. He gave them both a look of complete despair and turned, his steps heavy and clumsy. Sheppard fell into step beside him.

"You coming, Rodney?"

"I, um...should I?"

"Up to you."

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Rodney did come, after all. Sheppard knew it was out of concern for himself more than for Kavanagh, but it still prickled a little. Especially since Rodney mostly just hovered and offered increasingly inappropriate and impractical advice.

When they reached Kavanagh's quarters, Sheppard paused at the door with McKay. Kavanagh went in without a word, heading straight for his bedroom. Sheppard stared after him, then turned to the guard at the door.

"From now on, he doesn't leave this room without an escort. And I want him checked every thirty minutes. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir. Our orders were only to-" He stopped as Sheppard swung around, his eyes truculent.

"Yes, sir. Is that all, sir?"

"I will consider you responsible if anything happens." Sheppard didn't break eye contact.

"Yes, sir!" The marine straightened and returned his look with full intensity. Sheppard's eyes softened a little.

"Good man. One more thing ...I want to be the first to know anything and everything that goes on in there."

"You will be, sir."

Sheppard clapped a hand on his shoulder and headed back the way he had come, a noticeably quieter than usual McKay trailing after him.

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"Damn it, I wish he'd make up his mind." They were back in the lab, but Sheppard couldn't concentrate. The memory of those terrified blue eyes swam in his mind whenever he tried to focus.

"Yeah, uh...I'm good here, if you need to go...talk to him or anything." McKay couldn't help the tinge of horror that crept into the last phrase.

"I've tried that. You saw how he is. Well, heck, you should know, you work with him more than I do. He's all talk and smart-ass comments till he's got you seeing red, but when you call him on it he cracks like an egg."

"Hmm, well, eggheads," McKay grinned. Sheppard gave him a reproachful look.

"I'm serious. What am I going to do about him?"

McKay shrugged.

"I don't know...maybe you should just let him go? I can't say anyone here would be sorry to see him leave."

"And risk getting the whole program shut down? Could you live with that? After everything we've discovered here?"

"How could they do that? There's nothing he could tell them that they don't already know, right? I'm sure Sam-Colonel Carter that is, ahem!-sent them a report."

Sheppard made an impatient sound.

"Rodney, I used the Ancient device to get into his head without his consent. He told me to stop. I might as well have been M-" He stopped abruptly.

McKay stared at him, his eyes wide.

"You haven't told Carter yet, have you?"

Sheppard shook his head. McKay whistled softly.

"Wow. That's a problem."

"No kidding."


	9. Chapter 9

Sheppard finished looking over the things McKay had wanted to show him and headed back to the gate room. There wasn't much to do this late, but he always liked to make the rounds anyway, just to be sure everything was in place.

He was on the threshold, his eyes already scanning the room with practiced economy, noting the vital things first, when his communicator buzzed. He continued into the room, tapping it on.

"Colonel Sheppard? Richards here. You wanted to know about any changes."

"Go ahead."

"He's awake, sir, and sitting up in bed. Something's wrong. You'd better get down here."

"Do we need medical backup?"

"I'm not sure, sir. There's no obvious injury, but he's acting really strange. He keeps telling me to leave, but I didn't think you'd want him left alone."

"I'm on my way. Stay with him."

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The room was dark, not even the bedroom light was turned on. Sheppard felt a quick jerk in his chest. He crossed the room with a walk that turned into a run and burst into the bedroom.

Kavanagh was sitting on the bed, his head hanging, gathering the bedclothes around him. His eyes were fixed mutely on the bed. In the dim light from the bathroom Sheppard could see a muscle in his jaw jumping. The guard raised worried eyes to Sheppard's face.

"He's been like this since I found him, sir. I came in to check right on the thirty-minute mark. I think he's in pain, but he won't tell me anything."

Sheppard approached the bed, bent over it.

"Kavanagh?"

Kavanagh sniffed and pulled at his pyjamas, but he didn't answer.

"I'm calling the doc. You need help." Sheppard's hand rose toward his communicator. Kavanagh seized his hand, still without meeting his eyes.

"No! No doctors. They can't do anything. It goes away. Just...nggg...takes time..."

The guard shifted his weight, his eyes darting nervously from Sheppard to Kavanagh.

"Send him out. Please send him out. Just you stay. Please." Kavanagh's free hand was clenching and unclenching in the bedclothes where they were gathered around him. He wouldn't look up. Sheppard's eyes narrowed, he watched him for a second, then turned to the guard.

"Go ahead. I'll take care of this."

"I'll be standing by outside, sir. Call if you need me."

Sheppard nodded. The soldier turned, his gun clanking against something metal on his uniform, perhaps a buckle or a pocket fastening. The door opened and closed.

Kavanagh lifted his head slowly and looked around. His eyes met Sheppard's.

"I-I need to get over there." He gestured toward the bathroom, doubling up as something sent a stab of pain through him. Sheppard gave him a quick, questioning look, but helped him off the bed without asking further. He lurched toward the bathroom, still doubled over, groaning between clenched teeth.

At the door he paused, hunched over.

"Let me go in by myself. I'll be-nng-all right-"

"You going to tell me what's going on?"

Kavanagh considered for a second, panting, then shook his head.

"Then I'm coming in with you."

Kavanagh gripped the doorjamb and gasped as the pain struck again.

"God! Ahh! Fine-whatever-nggg-" He stumbled into the bathroom, jerking his pyjamas down, and straddled the sink. Sheppard sucked in his breath, his mouth forming an involuntary 'V' at the sight of the purple, swollen thing in Kavanagh's shorts.

"Damn..." It slipped out before he could stop it. Kavanagh gave him a quick, miserable look and hunched over the sink.

"I just need...a few minutes..." He turned the cold water on full blast and splashed it over himself as quickly as his shaking hands allowed, muttering under his breath about the fairness of the universe.

Sheppard stayed back until he was finished, slumped over the sink, breathing easier as the angry purplish red started to recede. Kavanagh's arms trembled, he reached up without looking for the towel above the sink, missing it by a fraction of an inch. Sheppard reached over to give it to him, but he pushed him away with both hands, hard. Sheppard didn't resist, and the force of the push took Kavanagh past him, off balance. He came up sharply against the bathroom wall and rolled away, his back meeting the adjoining wall with a dull thump as he caught his balance in the corner. Sheppard watched as his knees shook and buckled. He slid down slowly until he was sitting against the wall, one hand running over his face to rake through his hair and clench in the limp curls, the other gathering his unbuttoned pyjamas around him.

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Sheppard waited. After a few seconds he reached down but Kavanagh shrank away from his hand.

"Just...go away and leave me alone." His voice was raw and broken, and a tremor ran through him every few seconds.

"Not going to happen."

Kavanagh took a shuddering breath.

"I can take care of this myself."

"I'd be a lot more likely to believe that if you hadn't just fallen on your ass."

"Yeah, well, I'm on the floor now, aren't I? How much further do you think I'm going to fall? Look, I don't need you. I can crawl back to bed if I have to. I've done it before."

"Not leaving till you're in that bed." Sheppard's voice said he could wait as long as Kavanagh could.

Kavanagh closed his eyes. His head made a frustrated thump as he let it fall back against the wall.

"Fuck you."

Sheppard bristled.

"You want to crawl? Fine. I'll stand here and watch, since you're too damned stubborn to let me help you. Hell, it might be entertaining."

Kavanagh's eyes flew open. Sheppard expected to see anger, but there was only confusion, suspicion, and a tinge of something Sheppard couldn't identify. Sheppard kept his lips set and determined.

After a second of scrutiny Kavanagh looked down. He gulped something back, pulled his pyjamas around him, and held up a hand, mutely. Sheppard took it and pulled him to his feet. He staggered as he stood and Sheppard caught him, one hand on his chest and an arm behind him.

Kavanagh froze, his eyes darted up to meet Sheppard's.

"It's me, Kavanagh. Just me. Settle down."

The eyes didn't leave his. Sheppard sighed and and raised both hands.

"Fall down and break that beak of yours, it's your own damn fault. Don't think I'm going to catch you."

"The Kavanagh nose is a family trait, I'll have you know. And I'm proud of it." His voice was hoarse and shook a little, but the snide note Sheppard was so used to hearing was beginning to creep back in. Sheppard hadn't thought he'd ever be happy to hear that tone in Kavanagh's voice, but it was oddly reassuring. In spite of his threat he kept close and alert as Kavanagh pushed away from the wall and shuffled toward the bed.

They were almost to the bed when Kavanagh stumbled and pitched forward. Sheppard caught at him as he went down, but he elbowed him in the face, making no secret of it being intentional. Sheppard grabbed him by the back of his pyjamas and twisted one arm behind him. Kavanagh howled with pain and anger, then clenched his teeth, his breath shaking in his throat.

"Liar!" he ground out.

Sheppard wanted nothing more at that moment than to knock his head against the floor till it lost some of its blocklike quality, but he settled for gripping his pyjamas with both hands, hauling him the rest of the way and shoving him none too gently down onto the bed. For a few heated seconds he fought back, then Sheppard got him in a grip he couldn't escape. It wasn't hard, Kavanagh fought like a girl. Sheppard held him firmly, his hand and chin pinning Kavanagh's head down, hoping to God he wasn't bitchy enough to bite him. The closest place to Kavanagh's mouth was his neck, and Sheppard swore to himself, if Kavanagh tried giving him a hickey, he would hit him. Circumstances or no.

Kavanagh didn't bite. He stopped fighting and sagged against Sheppard like a rag doll. Sheppard gritted his teeth. There he went again, blowing hot and cold. It took all his effort to keep his voice even when he spoke.

"You done?"

Kavanagh made a helpless gesture with one hand and pressed it against his face. A sob that seemed to come all the way from his guts jerked through him, left him gasping, dry heaving gasps that shook his whole body.

"It makes me so tired. So fucking tired. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Just one night, all the way through. It's been happening every night since you got into my head. Every fucking night, and it won't stop. It won't stop. I could handle it before, when I could sleep a few nights a week, but this-I can't, I just can't-"

Sheppard swallowed the lump that rose suddenly in his throat as he remembered McKay's voice over breakfast one morning, the sharp, sarcastic bark of laughter as McKay described one of Kavanagh's more spectacular blunders. _"Asked him if he was still asleep or just resting his brain. He just gave me that look, of course."_

"Nothing you can take for it?"

"I've talked to doctors about it. I'm allergic to everything they wanted to give me. I swear, somebody out there really hates me."

It occurred to Sheppard that there was probably more than one person who felt that way about Kavanagh, but it didn't seem right to mention it. He scratched his head.

"Have you tried, uh...?" He made a gesture.

"That just makes it worse. Believe me, I've tried everything. Cold water is the only thing that helps. And it always comes back. Whenever I-" He sniffed dully.

"-whenever I have the nightmares."

"Hey. We'll fix it. There has to be a way."

Kavanagh seized a handful of Sheppard's uniform as if it were his only link to sanity.

"I don't think so. I don't think there is any way."

"Well...I'm telling you there is." Sheppard wasn't nearly as sure as his drawl implied, but he'd learned a long time ago the importance of not letting it show when he was bluffing. Kavanagh laughed, a ragged, hitching sound that scraped at Sheppard's nerves. He tensed sharply, his hand biting into Kavanagh's arm, but Kavanagh didn't even flinch, just let his head roll sideways and looked up at Sheppard, his eyes red and tinged with delirium.

"You know, Colonel Sheppard, before you-before...that happened, I had it all under control. The nightmares, the, the flashbacks, this-everything. I had it down to a couple nights a week. Sometimes just one night. Then you, you just-" He trailed off, shaking his head, the laugh still rattling in his throat.

Sheppard knew the words should make him angry, but suddenly he had the strangest feeling of being in a glass bottle, detached, while the world moved by him. A thought struck his mind like a splash of ice water, clearing and cooling as it dripped down the edges of his consciousness.

 _He's not accusing. He's just telling you. All this time, he's just been trying to tell you._

His heart thudded painfully.

"Kavanagh..." The word stuck in his throat. Kavanagh didn't answer, but the crazed light in his eyes faded and the coughing laughter turned to sobs. He hid his face against Sheppard's neck. Sheppard's hand came up, cautiously, to stroke his back and Kavanagh's arms went around him, pinching his ribs as Kavanagh's hands found new holds in the back of his uniform and dug in.

For several minutes Sheppard sat, holding him, responding when his arms tightened, when his hands clenched so hard his whole body shuddered. He had no other answer for the desperation in Kavanagh's grip.

Finally Kavanagh's grasp loosened a little, though the sigh he gave told Sheppard it was more from sheer exhaustion than from any lessening of the frustration. Sheppard's hand kept up the soothing, circular motion on his back. Kavanagh jerked suddenly and struggled. Sheppard's muscles clamped down automatically, he knitted his brows and bent his head to Kavanagh's ear, murmuring, promising, not even sure what he was saying. Whatever it was, it had to be good, because Kavanagh made a choked sound and clutched at him again. Sheppard's jaw clenched, he swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry and thick. There it was, the ache inside him, hurting worse than it ever had, but in the way a sore muscle aches when you work out the stiffness. It was an honest, natural pain, one he was familiar with and understood. He closed his eyes and gathered Kavanagh's trembling body a little closer to him, finally sure he was doing precisely the right thing.

It was another minute at least before the tremors subsided completely. Sheppard couldn't have told the exact second, he was too busy measuring the throbs of Kavanagh's heart, timing them against his own. Slowly he realized that Kavanagh's breaths were coming at regular intervals, and that his muscles had stopped jumping. He held him off a little and looked at him closely.

"Think you could sleep now?"

"I...don't know." Kavanagh didn't look up. His voice was softer than Sheppard had ever heard it.

"Here." Sheppard reached past him and thumped the bed. Kavanagh lowered himself to it and closed his eyes. Something about the way his hair lay on the pillow sent images stabbing through Sheppard's mind: the bloody razor, the dullness of eyes that would never see again, the red streams leaking away around his fingers...Sheppard swallowed. He lifted his hand and let it fall lightly over the tangled curls, thinking Kavanagh was already dead to the world, but his eyes opened, pale and uncertain in the dim light. They stared at Sheppard as if trying to understand something that made no sense.

"Are you going to stay?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"So you don't have another nightmare. I figure if I give you a good whack on the back of the head every time you start twitching, you'll be sleeping like a baby in no time."

Kavanagh's look was incredulous and a little unsure.

"You're...kidding, right?"

"Ok, I'll make it a light whack. Good enough?"

The bloodshot eyes stared. Kavanagh blinked and squinted at him, looking suddenly too tired to think.

"Hey. Sleep." Sheppard gave his shoulder a gentle nudge and he turned back to his pillow, the confused look still on his face.

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Author's note: Google SRPE sleep-related for a full explanation of Kavanagh's disorder.


	10. Chapter 10

The next day Sheppard barely had time to think about anything but Atlantis. The city was throwing tantrums left and right and as soon as one minor crisis was resolved, another popped up. And they all seemed to be as far away from one another as possible. He reminded himself that at least nothing major had happened yet, mentally knocking on wood just in case. Real wood was not all that easy to find in Atlantis, although some of the officer's suites had wood decor.

He was moving quickly through the hallway, responding to an alert on one of the docks, when his communicator buzzed. He tapped it.

"Sheppard here. What's up?"

"Sir, it's Wilson. I'm on guard duty with Doctor Kavanagh. He's asked to see Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka. They're here now, should I let them in?"

Sheppard bounced the bizarre idea that the three scientists were in some nefarious scheme together around in his head. He grinned.

"That's fine. Go ahead." A part of him was still curious, but he could pump Rodney later.

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As it turned out, however, it was Rodney that found him. He looked even more uncomfortable, if possible, than he had the last time they'd talked as he fell into step beside Sheppard.

"Hey, McKay." Sheppard didn't slow down. The alarm had been just a malfunction of the system itself, but it had taken a lot of messing around with wet, dirty machinery to find that out, and he was in a hurry to get back to his quarters where he could dry off and warm up.

"Uh, John?"

Sheppard raised one eyebrow at the use of his first name. He stopped and turned, his arms swinging slightly at his sides as they always did, relaxed but ready for action at a moment's notice.

"What's up, Rodney?"

"Uh, it's Kavanagh...he wanted me to give you this." He fished an envelope out of his pocket and thrust it at Sheppard.

"He's still in his quarters, right?" Sheppard's eyes scrutinized Rodney, thoughtfully, as he took the letter.

"Yeah."

"What is this?" He tapped the letter against his free hand.

Rodney shrugged.

"It's, ah...a letter."

Sheppard put one hand on his hip and leaned into Rodney's space.

"No kidding? Come on, Rodney, I want to know what went down in that room. What did he want you and Zelenka for?"

"I-I promised I wouldn't say anything, ok? You didn't see him in there, he was...well, convincing. Anyway, I promised." Rodney looked up, his eyes anxious but set. He could be as stubborn as anyone when the occasion called for it. Sheppard sighed.

"All right, you've delivered it. I hope that's all he talked you into doing. You coming down to the mess later for supper?"

"Have I missed one yet?"

"Catch you there, then." He turned and continued his brisk stride.

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To Colonel John Sheppard, Head of Military Operations on Atlantis:

I respectfully request to be allowed to return to Earth. I have a condition which has recently worsened and is impairing me to the point that it is impossible for me to contribute anything useful to this expedition. I swear, in front of the two witnesses whose names and signatures appear below, that I will not reveal any information related to Atlantis or the recent situation with the alien entity to anyone whatsoever, on pain of death, imprisonment, or whatever other punishment you or the appropriate authority sees fit to impose.

Signed,

Peter Kavanagh

Undersigned,

Radek Zelenka

Undersigned,

Rodney McKay

A piece of stationery paper was attached neatly to one corner with a paper clip. Sheppard slid it off and dropped the official-looking letter onto the table as he examined the handwritten note.

Dear Colonel Sheppard,

Please let me go back to Earth. I'm only a liability here. I appreciate that you're only trying to help, but I feel, frankly, that you're wasting your time. I don't think there's any way to fix what's wrong with me.

Thank you for everything you've done, and tried to do. It's not your fault, what happened. You thought you were doing the only thing you could. Maybe you were. Anyway, we've all made decisions like that, sometimes with terrible consequences. It's just the way life is. You don't have to consider yourself responsible for me in any way. Let me go home and I swear I won't cause you or anyone else here any more trouble. You can forget about me and go on with your lives.

Sincerely,

Peter

Sheppard gave a long, weary sigh and dropped into a chair, still holding the note.

"Yeah, like anybody's going to be able to forget about you after all this. However much they'd like to." He glanced over at the first letter again, his lips twisting as he read the header, with its careful, polite underlining of Sheppard's authority. _Nice touch._ Even knowing he was meant to feel the quick surge of satisfaction didn't make it any less satisfying. It didn't make the accompanying stab of guilt any less annoying either. It was too damned easy. That was what got to him about Kavanagh, when he lost he always managed to capitulate in a way carefully engineered to leave you feeling guilty for what was, as often as not, a perfectly well-deserved trouncing. _Hmph. He thinks he can guilt me into letting him go just by petting my ego, he's got another thing coming._ He leaned forward, his hands clasping under his forehead as he concentrated. Kavanagh might have given up, but that didn't mean he was going to.

"There's got to be somebody...Hey..." He raised his head, suddenly remembering a little factoid about one of the Asgard he assumed had died in the explosion with all the others. There were a vast number of profiles in the data Thor had left with them, many with explanatory programs that were capable of reasoning and communicating almost like a living thing. Sheppard had often wondered if the Asgard weren't still there, in a way. He'd always liked to think they were. It didn't seem possible that so much intelligence, so much life, had been completely destroyed. He stood up, tapping the note against his palm as he considered.

"That's it. Nobody knew more than the Asgard." It was one of those little gray guys, the one he was thinking of, in fact, who had performed the frankly unbelievable removal of the Goa'uld symbiote from Caldwell's body, that time. Whether that had been a medical miracle or simply brilliant engineering was still unclear. In any case, though, he needed to talk to that alien. He stood and headed for the gate room.


	11. Chapter 11

"We've got Dr. Jackson waiting, sir." The gate technician looked up as Sheppard walked in.

"Great." He cleared his throat.

"Dr. Jackson?"

"Right here, Colonel. What can I help you with?"

"I need to know if there are any programs in that Asgard data that involve an Asgard named Hermiod."

Daniel chuckled.

"Any? Only about half of them. Apparently he didn't trust anyone else to explain this stuff. It's understandable. Some of it's incredibly intense. You have no idea how-"

"Yes, uh, I'm sure it's amazing. Look, I need you to send me any data that includes his profile, or a program that can reason. Can you do that?"

"All of it?" Daniel's voice was incredulous.

"I mean, that's a lot of data. Most of it's science and engineering, you'll probably find it kind of...boring..."

Sheppard frowned.

"Isn't there one that sticks out? One that's just him? Hey, is there anything related to that incident with the Goa'uld and Caldwell?"

"Let me see...Actually, yes. Here we go. It's a log of the procedure and includes a profile of Hermiod with interactive capabilities. Want me to send it?"

"Yeah, that's the one. Thanks."

"You still want the others?"

"No, just that one."

"Ok. Good luck with whatever you're looking for."

"Thanks. Sheppard out."

"Right. Ok, sending it now. Stand by to receive data."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sheppard sat in his quarters, his forehead resting on his hands. The hologram of the little gray alien in front of him tilted its head to one side but said nothing. Sheppard ran a hand through his hair and rubbed the back of his neck, then drew a long breath and let it out slowly.

"So you're telling me...if I don't get Kavanagh to let me into his head again, there's a good chance he'll keep having those nightmares?"

The alien blinked.

"No, Colonel Sheppard. I am telling you that I am fairly certain that, if he is not able, with or without your help, to locate the anomaly and alter his perception of it, he will continue to suffer sleep disturbances and various other disorders. Your human minds are, as ours were at one point, very like machines in some ways. If the machinery is tampered with and left unrepaired, an eventual breakdown is inevitable."

"But you can get me into his mind without using the device, right? You said there was an easier way."

"I said that I could. I did not say that I would. Although I am a computer program, I have the capacity to weigh outcomes and make choices. In addition to the fact that the entity whose memories are linked to my profile was familiar with and had no particular respect for this Kavanagh person, you have not yet given me any compelling reason to step outside the parameters of my intended purpose, as you seem to be asking me to do."

"Compelling reason, huh?" Sheppard steepled his hands and rested his forehead on them again. This was going to take a while.

Kavanagh answered the door when Sheppard pressed the button. He looked sleepy but not as haggard as he had the last time Sheppard had seen him.

"Colonel Sheppard? Did you..."

Sheppard motioned past him and slid inside.

"Kavanagh, look. I think I've found a way to fix the..." He gestured vaguely,

"you know, that. I dug up that Asgard who got the Goa'uld out of Caldwell's head. You remember that, uh...situation?"

Kavanagh's nose lifted a little.

"I'll say I remember it. Every sordid detail, including my near-torture and/or death at the hands of that mindless meathead you sent to interrogate me, thank you very much for reminding me. Why?"

Sheppard gave him a look that told him he was pushing it, and he swallowed.

"Why-why do you ask?"

"Jackson sent me an interactive program with the Asgard responsible for figuring out how to remove the Goa'uld." He let it drop, carelessly, half-turning away, one hand tapping the frame of a picture on the wall. Kavanagh stared for a second, then shook his head and mused, interested in spite of himself.

"Hermiod. I remember him. We didn't get along. He was brilliant, I'll give him that. Not that it did any of them any good in the end."

"Yeah, well some of us like to believe they're still with us. I talked to the program, for example, it sounds exactly like him. You'd swear there was something there. Anyway, little gray bugger didn't want to help at first-"

"Wait, you told him? About me?" Kavanagh bristled, but subsided abruptly as Sheppard swung round on him, his head cocked, his body language daring him to overreact.

"It's a program, Kavanagh. Somebody's got to know, I figured you'd rather it be a hologram of a dead race than, say, Dr. Miller."

A look of utter horror registered on Kavanagh's face. Sheppard crossed his arms and leaned against the wall.

"Thought so. Anyway, I talked him into it. Told him you were indispensible."

Kavanagh snorted.

"Well of course I agree. But I can't see Hermiod believing you. Like just about everybody else here, he didn't...agree with my way of doing things."

"Yeah, actually he kind of looked at me the same way you're looking at me. Only more so." Sheppard cleared his throat, realizing he might have to reveal what else he'd told Hermiod in order to secure his help.

"So how-"

"That's, ah...not important. The point is, he's going to help us. But you have to trust him, he says."

Points of light flickered in Kavanagh's suddenly wide eyes. He looked at Sheppard askance.

"Why? What does he want to do to me?"

"He says he thinks there's some belief buried in your psyche that's playing soccer with your mental and, er...physical health. You just have to find it and let it out. He's offered to help me go in with you and dig it up." Sheppard lingered on the last sentence, emphasizing 'offered' and 'help'. He gave "with" a little extra stress as well.

"What? You want me to let one of those aliens into my mind? I don't think so!"

"It's a _computer program_. Not a real Asgard." He swung away from the wall and leaned in close to Kavanagh, his voice low and coaxing.

"Think about it. What if he could fix it for good? Wouldn't it be worth it?"

One of Kavanagh's hands stole up to press against his mouth and rub over his chin. He wavered, his eyes suddenly undecided, and darted an uneasy look at Sheppard, who hadn't moved away at all.

"I-uh-"

"Remember, there's no guarantee any doctor on Earth will be able to help you. I looked into your condition. Searched the most current medical database on Earth. There's no cure."

Kavanagh's eyebrows wrinkled with reproach at Sheppard's bluntness. He backed away and dropped into a chair, giving Sheppard a torn look. Sheppard shifted his weight to the other leg, his expression decidely unapologetic, and waited. Kavanagh let his head fall forward, digging the palms of both hands into his forehead. Minutes ticked by as he considered.

"Ok. I'll do it." Kavanagh straightened up and whirled to face him, his eyes desperate but determined.

"Whatever else he was, he was the most amazing engineer I've ever met. Bar none. If anybody can fix this, he can."

"All right. Let's do it." Sheppard didn't mention that he hadn't discussed this with Carter or Dr. Miller. It was his mess, he wanted to take care of it himself. And this way no-one else had to know anything more about Kavanagh's secrets. A promise was a promise, after all.

Sheppard put the memory device into the computer, but pulled Kavanagh aside before opening the program.

"One thing, Kavanagh. I have moved heaven and earth to get him to agree to help you. Do NOT screw this up or I swear I will keep you here till you're old and gray. That means none of your smart-ass comments, no giving him attitude, no calling him names or saying anything rude about the Asgard. Is that clear?"

Kavanagh's head shot up, his lips pinching together tightly, but he mastered himself and looked down.

"Ok."

"Keep it nice. This is a one-time shot."

"I get it, all right? Just...load it."

Sheppard pressed a button and a hologram of the Asgard engineer sprang up.


	12. Chapter 12

"Hello, Dr. Kavanagh, Colonel Sheppard. Before we begin, you should probably find the most comfortable place in these quarters. A bed or a well-padded corner would be ideal. This is a relatively involved procedure and it is possible that there will be violent reactions should you uncover memories your subconscious is reluctant to relinquish. Having a cushioned environment will minimize the chance of accidental injury."

Kavanagh's brows wrinkled with anxiety. He licked his lips and bit them, darting a quick look at Sheppard.

"Um, I-I don't know if we should-I mean, uh-" He pressed a hand against his mouth for a second.

"How-how violent? Are you sure you know what you're-what's going to happen?"

"Kavanagh-" Sheppard's voice held a note of warning. Kavanagh gave him a fierce look, his lips whitening around the edges where he pressed them together.

"Look, if we don't know what we're messing with, maybe we should just stop. I don't think-"

"He said it was perfectly safe! He can separate us if anything happens. One time shot, Kavanagh, take it or leave it."

For almost a minute they stood there, staring at each other, neither giving an inch. Both of them jumped when Hermiod cleared his throat.

"If you are not sure you want to undergo this, Dr. Kavanagh, perhaps it would be best to stop now. Once we begin there is no going back."

Kavanagh bit his lips again, his eyes fixed on the hologram.

"Are you sure this will work? What-what's the probability of failure?"

The Asgard eyed him. Sheppard wasn't sure but he thought he saw a flicker in the dark eyes.

"Do you remember when I made modifications to the drive of the Daedalus in order to allow us to relay the message about the bomb in time? As I recall, you had misgivings about my modifications. You...doubted my abilities." Hermiod's pause made it clear that there was no greater insult Kavanagh could have offered. Kavanagh lifted his shoulders a little, looking sideways with what might have been a tinge of guilt. Hermiod waited in silence. Kavanagh darted a glance at him and finally nodded.

"How did the drive perform after my modifications?" Hermiod's voice took on a patient tone, as if he were addressing a very small child.

"Did it not perform exactly as predicted? Specifically, did it not perform at a much higher level of power and efficiency than before?"

Kavanagh nodded again, his cheeks reddening. The strangled sound from Sheppard made Hermiod turn, cocking his head in query.

"Something wrong, Colonel Sheppard? No?" He turned back to Kavanagh.

"Well then, I fail to see any grounds for concern. My "track record", as you humans say, is flawless when it comes to repairing both your ships and your bodies. Keep in mind that we retained and passed on all the memories of our experiences at every level of our evolution. I have memories of inhabiting a body much like yours, with a mind just as fragmented and unreliable. That is one of the things that convinced me, against my first inclination, to acquiesce to my leader's request that I give my assistance to the Atlantis expedition. It is one of the factors that persuaded me to grant my assistance in this case as well."

Sheppard clapped his hands together and half-turned.

"Well? Good enough?"

Kavanagh gave Sheppard a tormented look and fixed his eyes on the floor. Sheppard could tell it was taking every ounce of his willpower to keep his voice polite.

"The Daedalus was a ship. A piece of metal. Caldwell was...well, somebody else. This is me, okay? I'm just-" He closed his eyes for a second and opened them again.

"Do you even know how it feels to have your body turn against you? To have it doing things to you you hate and don't want, but can't stop?"

Sheppard made a sound of complete disbelief and grabbed a fistful of Kavanagh's uniform.

"Damn it, Kavanagh, we talked about this! What are you, stupid? Of all the thickheaded-"

"Gentlemen." Hermiod's voice hadn't changed, but Sheppard and Kavanagh fell silent as one person. The Asgard tilted his head to one side for a long second, then turned his back, his expression unreadable even to someone who had learned how to differentiate between their moods.

"I believe I do, Doctor Kavanagh. More correctly, the entity whose memories are linked to my profile does. But I am afraid I cannot offer any more assurance than the evidence of my capabilities I mentioned a moment ago. You will have to accept that there is always some risk involved."

Kavanagh's eyes held sudden, shocked recollection. His lips parted a little.

"Hermiod-is that really-I-I didn't-"

"If we are going to begin, perhaps we should do so without further discussion." Hermiod turned back to face them. There was no trace of emotion at all in the dark eyes. Kavanagh gave Sheppard a quick, nervous look, and stood, heading for the bedroom.

Sheppard seated himself at the other end of the bed from Kavanagh, wanting to give him some space. The hologram had followed them in without hesitation and stood, watching them.

"I am now altering the atmosphere in the room to allow the passage of electrical impulses from your brain to Colonel Sheppard's. You will still need to be linked together in a way that is comfortable and safe for you both, however. An embrace such as you humans use for expressing feelings of attachment or a desire to mate should do."

Sheppard's lips twitched, but the look in Kavanagh's eyes when he glanced up wiped the smile from his face. He let his hands drop.

"You first."

Kavanagh wavered, his eyes searching Sheppard's for some sign of assurance. Sheppard pressed his lips together and tried to look more sure of himself than he felt. Slowly Kavanagh's hands came up, hesitated, curled into half-fists.

Sheppard waited. The hands relaxed marginally, crept upward and out. He lifted his own hands, his heart suddenly pounding. Kavanagh moved forward stiffly, as if his body were resisting some unseen force. Sheppard let him come the whole way, waiting for him to commit completely. Kavanagh paused, still a few feet away, his breath quickening. His hands clenched once, unclenched. Sheppard kept his eyes trained on Kavanagh's, willing him to keep coming.

 _Trust me. Just trust me. Come on._ He didn't realize was saying it aloud until Kavanagh's quivering voice responded, the fear he made no effort to hide chopping the words into shaking gasps.

"Ok. Ok." He broke off, nodding to himself as if for reassurance, sucked in a short, sharp breath, and lurched forward, his eyes fixed on Sheppard's. Sheppard's hands came quickly up to catch and support him as he gave himself into his arms.

"Don't-don't hurt m-" Kavanagh stopped himself abruptly and looked down, his cheeks flushing, but Sheppard didn't need to hear the rest to understand. He lifted a hand to Kavanagh's face. Kavanagh looked up quickly but he didn't pull away. Sheppard let his hand answer the urgency in Kavanagh's eyes, pressing palm to cheek, his fingers digging in just slightly. Kavanagh closed his eyes with a little shudder and Sheppard felt his grateful acceptance of the strength in his touch. He swallowed, hoping fervently he wasn't getting in over his head.

"I won't. This time you're calling the shots. I promise."

Kavanagh nodded jerkily. The program made a whirring sound and Sheppard felt the familiar, falling sensation.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The first thing Sheppard experienced when the world stopped spinning was Hermiod's voice at the back of his mind. The second was an extreme resistance in the form of a dark, swirling cloud just in front of him. The visual world of Kavanagh's bedroom had faded, but he was still aware of his body and Kavanagh's. He could feel a rapid thudding under his hands. It took him a second to realize it was Kavanagh's heart beating. The body in his arms shivered and he felt his hands moving, automatically, to calm it.

The Asgard spoke, his voice sounding far away and disconnected.

"I will guide you in, Colonel Sheppard, but you must choose when to advance and when to wait."

Sheppard indicated he understood and the voice fell silent. He saw a light appear, just beyond the dark cloud. He turned toward the light and the cloud retreated, pulsing with energy. The light moved as well, this time to the left, so that the cloud no longer blocked his way.

Sheppard looked down, suddenly curious, and found he had no body. A cloud very like the one in front of him surrounded him. He moved and the cloud moved with him. To his right the dark cloud moved as well, falling in beside him. He sensed that it was aware of him, felt the tension in it grow as he went toward the reddish light.

He was almost to the light when the dark cloud moved in front of him. He stopped, then pushed forward again. It pulsed desperately and swelled, thinning out to spread itself in his path. He felt Kavanagh tense, his entire body going rigid as he fought his advance. In the glow from the red light Sheppard could make out a sort of doorway, behind which shadowy shapes were moving. It was this doorway the cloud seemed to be protecting.

Sheppard paused for a second and thought. If the cloud was connected to Kavanagh's physical form, maybe it would respond to physical stimuli. He ran a hand over Kavanagh's back, gently. The cloud stilled for a second, suspended in mid-air. Sheppard touched him again, let his hand find a steady, reassuring rhythm as he moved further into Kavanagh's mind, testing his strength against the cloud. Kavanagh gasped, his hands tightening, but the cloud shrank a little and retreated.

 _Trust me. Trust me._ Sheppard moved forward, ever so slowly, gently holding Kavanagh's hands down when they came up to push him away, catching him when he tried to shrink to the other side.

The cloud darkened suddenly and he knew he'd gone too fast. He pulled back, let it move him away from the door, silently berating himself for not being more patient. It stabilized after a few seconds and Kavanagh's body stilled with it. Sheppard took a few minutes to work with him, using his hands and voice as persuasively as he could. The seconds ticked by and Sheppard could feel the frustration building inside him. What if Kavanagh was just too damned stubborn to let him in? He forced the thought from his mind. Kavanagh was responding, he could feel it in the way his spine had reassumed its natural curve and the way his head drooped forward, almost touching Sheppard's shoulder. He waited.

The cloud moved, approaching him for the first time. He concentrated on regulating his breath and felt Kavanagh's breathing start to follow. The cloud was almost upon him when he felt a sudden tug, somewhere in the center of his own cloud. The cloud moved back, then pressed against him again and he felt another tug. He followed the cloud this time when it moved back, but it moved instinctively in front of him as he followed what seemed to be its own direction. Sheppard stopped, confused. Did it want him to go forward? Why was it still blocking him?

A voice broke into his thoughts and he jumped. Kavanagh's hand moved quickly to his arm.

"I can't help it. I can't let you in. You'll have to go through me."

"Kavanagh?"

"Yes. It's in there. I know it is. But I can't move out of the way. I'm not strong enough. Every time you move toward it, I have to block you. I think we have to...go together."

"Are you ok with that? Won't it damage your...whatever that is?" Sheppard wasn't about to commit himself to 'soul' but 'energy cloud' didn't seem to quite cover it either.

"I-I think...probably so." The cloud shrank and drew together.

"Uh...yeah. No go. I said I wouldn't hurt you and I meant it."

The cloud moved forward and he felt it press against his own cloud.

"It's the only way. I'll be all right, as long-as long as you're careful. Don't...go too fast." Kavanagh's body echoed the movement of his mind, pleading with him, his hands sliding up Sheppard's chest.

Sheppard pulled his hands off, angrily.

"You know what you're asking me to do, right? You remember the last time this happened? You were pretty damned pissed afterwards. I'm not doing that again."

Sheppard felt something like a mental kick in the leg, not particularly painful but the resentment was unmistakable. He snorted.

"What? Going to pretend you weren't an asshole about it?"

"Fuck, Sheppard, what do you want? You want me to beg? Is that it? Ok. Fine. I'm begging you. I can't do this by myself, all right?"

It was bizarre, how being in Kavanagh's mind let him sense the whole range of Kavanagh's emotions. Sheppard felt a tinge of guilt at how easy it was to see that the anger was stretched thin and tight over another emotion, one a hundred times more powerful and no less dangerous. It felt like watching a cripple while he tried to dress himself, clumsily, carefully pulling up the pieces of clothing one at a time. His irritation subsided, his lips parting slightly as he felt a tremor in the angry facade, a light shiver that turned into a succession of waves. He pulled his own cloud back.

"You sure you want this?"

Kavanagh snorted.

"You've already fucked me over once. How much more damage do you think you can do?"

It took all of Sheppard's willpower to let the flash of anger go through him unimpeded, let it ebb and fade as quickly as it had sprung up. Kavanagh tensed. Sheppard felt his mind searching for a response, looking for something to fight, to help it strengthen the anger. He kept himself completely still. Kavanagh faltered and Sheppard sensed the other emotion pushing through the widening cracks in the anger. A finger of energy escaped Kavanagh's control and brushed Sheppard's cloud before he could stop it. The touch was feather-light, but he felt it all the way to the center of his cloud. His heart thudded heavily. He had no protection against the dark energy, no way to stop it. To his horror he saw a dark spot blossom and begin to spread, near the center of his own cloud.

"Kavanagh! Put a lid on it, all right? You're going to get us both killed!" Sheppard wondered briefly if he should play Kavanagh's game, give him what he needed to fight back. Maybe that was the only way.

A ripple of energy stabbed through Sheppard's cloud as Kavanagh made a valiant effort to clamp down on the second emotion, not entirely successfully. It shot through his nervous system faster than he could register the sensations, left him shocked and breathless. Every inch of him tingled with the lingering awareness of Kavanagh's intrusion and he wondered if this was what it had felt like when he'd forced himself into Kavanagh's subconscious. He leaned forward until their bodies touched, his head next to Kavanagh's, suddenly needing to know.

"Was that-"

"No. Believe me, you'd know if it was. That was nothing." Contempt added to the anger made a stronger containment field. Sheppard sensed the darker emotion subsiding marginally, held in check by the strength of the other two emotions combined.

"Come on. It couldn't have been that bad."

The black cloud flared.

"What, you don't remember how I looked when I woke up? How the fuck did I look like it felt?"

"Pretty bad," Sheppard admitted. The anger was strong enough now that the other emotion was barely visible.

"I...uh...I guess I thought it was just because I saw...you know...Kavanagh, I swear I didn't-"

"Yeah, well now you know. It was hell, trapped in my own head and I couldn't get you out and you just-" Kavanagh hesitated and went on, hastily, as if trying to convince himself.

"But this time it'll be different. You'll be more careful. It won't be...as bad."

Sheppard could feel the uncertainty behind the thoughts. His stomach curled a little and he felt his facial muscles pull tight, his eyebrows peaking at the inner edges.

"You'd trust me with that? After...well...everything that's happened? "

Kavanagh's lips stiffened. He licked them and let his head turn a fraction toward Sheppard. Sheppard felt his breath, warm and a little too fast against the side of his neck.

"You said you didn't know what you were doing to me, before. I guess I just have to believe you. There's nothing left otherwise. Like you said, it'll-it'll be worth it. Just do it. Please."

Sheppard set his lips. He didn't like it, but it had to be said.

"You asked for it. Just so we're clear on that."

Kavanagh's chin came up. He gulped and sniffed, then nodded shortly, his ear brushing Sheppard's cheek. Sheppard swallowed and pushed directly into the dark cloud.


	13. Chapter 13

Energy, tingling and snapping around him. Fear, pounding against him in black suffocating waves. Sheppard had experienced all kinds of invasions since coming to the Pegasus galaxy, both of his body and his mind, but nothing had prepared him for this. He struggled to stay calm, knowing it had to be worse for Kavanagh than it was for him. The last thing either of them needed at this point was more emotion added to the ticking time bomb that was their combined energies.

Kavanagh's body quivered under his hands and he heard, as if through a tunnel, a sharp, anguished cry. He stopped instantly.

"Are you all right? What-what was that?"

Sheppard felt something wet on Kavanagh's cheek, but he was shaking his head, his muscles rigid with determination.

"It's-it's not-too bad-yet-"

"Do you want-" Sheppard started, but the cloud condensed around him.

"Just keep going. Keep going. If there's any way to fix it, I want to try. I have to try."

Sheppard gritted his teeth and forced his cloud further into the other. He could feel their energy uniting in places, forming tentative bonds. A chill of apprehension crept through him in spite of himself. There was no undoing this. No going back.

The energy from Kavanagh's fear and pain grew steadily. Sheppard's nerves twitched as the bonds already formed began forming new links, joining them closer. He could sense the hostility from the dark energy tapping along the outside of their energies, testing the bonds where they seemed weakest, looking for a way in. With every bond that formed his awareness of the dark energy grew stronger, till he could taste its building urgency, its aching desire to destroy him. He took a deep breath and kept going.

Kavanagh flinched suddenly and sobbed, one hand seizing his shoulder. His cloud exploded furiously, gripped Sheppard by every atom of his being. Sheppard froze, his heart in his throat, not daring to move either forward or backward.

"Dammit, Kavanagh, what's going on? What am I doing to you?"

"Don't stop! You're almost there. It's not much further. Not much furth-Oh God. Wait a minute. Wait."

Sheppard held his cloud completely immobile. The other cloud's energy rippled around him, sparking and surging, attacking the bonds that held them together. He felt his own cloud weakening and knew he couldn't take much more. He had to get out. He pulled back, but Kavanagh's hands caught at him.

"Help me. Help me. Please. Sheppard, please. It hurts."

Sheppard shook his head, felt Kavanagh's lips against his ear, begging him. He struggled, but his strength was almost gone. Behind him the remainder of the dark cloud gathered, pushing him forward with a growing, inexorable pressure. He could see it thinning in front of him and knew he was almost through. The red light glowed patiently on the other side, waiting.

"Kavanagh..."

Kavanagh choked and shoved against him. The cloud spasmed violently, pushing his cloud apart, and an agonizing, tearing pain stabbed through every nerve in his body. He gasped and clutched at Kavanagh.

"Aaaaggh! God, Kav, i-is this what-did I-"

Kavanagh gripped a handful of Sheppard's uniform and drove it against his chest, again and again.

"Keep going! You have to keep going!"

"I don't want-"

"It's no use stopping now! Everything you do hurts! For God's sake, go!"

Sheppard stopped fighting the forward compulsion. The pain stopped instantly. He felt Kavanagh's hands ghost over his arms, suddenly light and powerless where they rested on him, the fingers trembling.

"Please. I'm so tired and it hurts. It hurts. Please just go."

For another second Sheppard paused, then he reached out and gathered Kavanagh to him. Kavanagh went without hesitation, his body melting against Sheppard's with a shudder of relief, one arm slipping under Sheppard's and the other curling around his neck. Sheppard set his teeth. It didn't feel right, but there didn't seem to be any alternative. He swallowed hard.

"All right. I'll do it. Hold on."

The cloud swirled around him and he felt the last of it, the part still resting between him and the doorway, shudder and draw together in anticipation, then press feebly against him. He tried to dissipate his own energy as much as he could to let it in. It felt thin and cold. The energy of the cloud seemed to be all in the black portion resting behind him.

Kavanagh's body jerked and Sheppard felt something barring his way. It was only just strong enough to stop him. He slumped a little.

"Kav..."

There was no response. He tried again.

"Kavanagh, you're still blocking me. I'm not strong enough. You have to stop fighting and let me in."

Kavanagh's arms tightened, he shook his head mutely. Sheppard's throat constricted.

"I can't do this much longer." He turned his head, found Kavanagh's ear, and said it again, aloud. Kavanagh trembled and shook his head harder.

"Then we're both going to die."

Kavanagh clenched his hands in Sheppard's uniform.

"It hurts!"

"We have to keep going. You have to let me all the way in so we can get into that room."

Kavanagh groaned through his teeth and Sheppard felt the cloud swell around him. He pulled Kavanagh in, his hands moving again, trying to remember what had worked best before. Kavanagh made a sound of protest and tried to resist, but Sheppard had learned how to touch him to make him weaken and surrender. He knew the signs by now, Kavanagh was about to crack. He kept working at him, patiently, stroking rigid muscles, running a hand over his hair.

"You'll be ok. Let me in. It's just a little more. Look, we're going to find that memory and then I'm going to get us both out. Alive. Trust me."

Kavanagh's face dug into his neck.

"All right. All right."

Sheppard tried with what strength he had left.

"It's still there, Kav."

"I'm-I'm trying-I'm trying-" The voice faded from Sheppard's mind even as he strained to hear it. He was suddenly aware of a disturbance in the cloud. It wasn't much, but it might be enough. Sheppard pressed forward, measuring his progress in inches, in centimeters.

He was almost in the doorway when he felt a last wave of resistance. He stopped. There was no energy to spare for telepathy, he would have to hope Kavanagh could hear his voice.

"Talk to me, Kavanagh!" His voice sounded hoarse and strange, even to his own ears.

Kavanagh writhed and Sheppard felt the tug in the center of his cloud, urging him forward. He tried to obey but with no success.

"I can't. There's something in the way."

Kavanagh opened his mouth but nothing came out. He gaped uselessly and tried again, but the words still wouldn't come. His cloud gave Sheppard's another tug, this one more insistent.

"Kavanagh, you have to help me!"

The response was so weak he could barely catch the words.

"I'll try-but I can't-keep it down-you have to go quickly, as soon as-as-it-drops-"

"Got it. Go."

Kavanagh's hands clutched at him for support. The barrier pressed against him wavered and thinned, slowly. Sheppard swallowed hard. He knew he should move forward and break through the last of the cloud but Kavanagh was crying against his shoulder in broken, whispering sobs barely loud enough to hear, and he couldn't do it. He turned his head toward Kavanagh, his brow wrinkling.

"Kav...dammit, Kavanagh..." He felt Kavanagh's jaw clench, felt the sobs turn to gasps as he tried to stop.

"God, Sheppard, just do it-just do i-" Kavanagh's teeth clenched on the last word, cutting it short with a cry as Sheppard forced his cloud another inch toward the room. His body convulsed against Sheppard's and he screamed, involuntary, animal cries stuttering from his throat. He jerked his hands free, forcing them away from Sheppard, the fingers trembling and twitching as he fought to keep from tearing Sheppard's hands from his body and Sheppard's presence from his mind.

The cries weakened slowly as Sheppard struggled in. Kavanagh's hands dropped, falling to his sides, his head sank back onto Sheppard's shoulder. The bonds joining them started to go cold and gray as Kavanagh drifted into semi-consciousness.

Almost there. Sheppard thought he felt the energy in Kavanagh's cloud leaking away. A stab of panic went through him, he gathered his cloud around him, trying not to notice how what was left of Kavanagh's cloud sparked and shimmered fearfully in response. There was almost no resistance as he pushed forward. Kavanagh's body quivered once and and went limp, the last of his cloud dissolving into Sheppard's.

The world spun violently and everything faded to black.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sheppard's mind filtered back to consciousness. He looked around him, his senses returning one by one. He could feel Kavanagh slumped against him, a dead weight. For a second his heart stopped, then he felt a presence in the cloud, mingled with his own. It was clustered near the center of his cloud and he could feel it feeding off his energy. He gathered himself and the other, giving it as much energy as he could spare, and moved over the doorstep of the room.

The room was filled with a soft gray light and shadows and shapes darted from wall to shifting wall. In the corner a young Kavanagh was sitting hunched, alone, against the wall. He had a blanket wrapped loosely around him and he was mumbling to himself. Sheppard approached slowly.

"No. No. It wasn't me. I didn't mean for that to happen. It was an accident."

Sheppard moved closer but a surge of the black cloud sprang up to block him, bolts of energy snapping and sparking through it. He drew back a little. A face appeared in the wall, a face that by now was horribly familiar to them both. Sheppard watched as it pulled away from the wall and drifted into the air, toward Kavanagh. Kavanagh hid his face against the wall.

"I didn't do it. Leave me alone."

The lips drew back in a taunting sneer.

"You know that's not true, now, is it? But it's all right now. You fucked up my boy and I gave you what you had coming. We're even. Ain't that right?"

Kavanagh looked up, his eyes searching Miller's, disbelieving. He clenched his fists.

"How can you say that? Jamie's my friend, you sick bastard! I'd never hurt him on purpose!"

"Was. He was your friend. You done abused that friendship way beyond what's tolerable. And now you're gonna pay for it. I will never, ever, let you forget what you took from my Jamie." Miller lowered his voice, seductively, confidentially.

"I only hope...that you..." Miller's hand and shoulder materialized, he reached out and ran a finger along Kavanagh's jaw.

"...enjoyed your moment of glory as much as I did...mine."

Kavanagh's face crumbled. He curled into himself, choking back sobs.

"I never-wanted to-hurt Jamie. You-you had no right to do that to me."

"You're a bold-faced liar, boy. I know you was jealous of him when he got higher marks than you on that test." Miller's voice was reproachful.

"My poor Jamie-so excited about his damned science. You did that to him. He was all set to follow in his father's per-fectly respectable footsteps till you come along. And now-you've took even that away from him. You should be a-shamed of yourself. Although I guess it is for the best. You won't be bothering him no more with this nonsense. He'll stay home with his mommy and daddy, like a good son. No more of this damned foolishness about going off to some high-brow school together. You're going to stay away from him from now on."

"I won't. You can't make me." Kavanagh's lips were wet and shiny over clenched teeth.

Miller raised his brows.

"Oh can't I? Damn it boy, you don't learn, do you?" He leaned closer.

"You know...I can teach Jamie some good sense the same way I taught you. I can make him beg, like you begged. And won't be no-one there to hear."

Kavanagh snapped. He flung himself at the phantom face, screaming. Darkness billowed from the walls, engulfing Sheppard. Pain. Pain. Wrenching, intolerable pain. He couldn't think, couldn't move. There was nothing at all but the blinding agony. He could feel Kavanagh's cloud clinging to his, but the swirling blackness swept over them, tearing them savagely apart. Kavanagh's body writhed and shrieked. Sheppard dug his fingers in, trying to hold onto at least some part of him as the black cloud won and he was ripped, ruthlessly, from Kavanagh's mind.

For several minutes Sheppard just sat, gasping for breath, his senses reeling. His whole body was sore and his head felt like an army of jackhammers was invading it at regular, insistent intervals. Bit by bit the pain faded and he was suddenly aware that Kavanagh hadn't moved. His hand crept up, the fingers quivering a little at the ends in spite of his best efforts. It paused, then gently brushed Kavanagh's hair away from his face.

"Kavanagh? You-you all right?"

There was no reply. Sheppard's stomach tightened.

"Come on. Kavanagh. Come on." He held Kavanagh's unresponsive body away from him and slapped his cheek. The strips of white under Kavanagh's eyelids didn't move.

It went through Sheppard like an electric shock, what he'd just done. What had he been thinking, doing this without the doctor around? Damn Kavanagh and his damned tender ego and his damned inability to tell people who should know about these things anyway. Damn damn damn. Sheppard clenched one fist around the speaker of his communicator. He cleared his throat, harder than he meant to and swore again under his breath.

"Infirmary." He hung his head, his stomach still fluttering, his hand darting to Kavanagh's neck in search of a pulse.

"Dr. Miller here, go ahead." The calm, pleasant voice drew him abruptly away from the urgency of the moment. He saw her in his mind's eye, cool, collected and professional. She would be discreet, understanding...sympathetic.

Sheppard grimaced. _Pathetic_ , he thought. _Can't have sympathetic without pathetic._ He could almost hear Kavanagh's voice as the words ran through his mind.

 _"What if it was you..you have plenty of friends...who would you tell?"_

A faint throb answered Sheppard's questing fingers as they slid into the crevice between Kavanagh's windpipe and the thick muscle on the side of his neck, and for a split second he hesitated.

Kavanagh gasped and went rigid. Sheppard felt a wave of relief.

"Stand by. This is Sheppard."

"All right, Colonel. Do I need to get anything ready?"

"No, just-just stand by, all right?"

"Standing by." Her voice held the same unruffled tone. Sheppard switched off the communicator and grabbed Kavanagh as he swayed. Kavanagh put one hand to his head and reached out blindly with the other hand. It met Sheppard's chest, scrabbled for a hold. Sheppard gripped his shoulders.

"Kavanagh?"

He didn't answer at first, just sat there, breathing hard and fast, his eyes unfocused. The fingers of Sheppard's right hand came up, tentatively. There was still a slight tremor in them as they brushed over Kavanagh's forehead and settled against the side of his face. Kavanagh shivered but said nothing. Sheppard pursed his lips, his eyes anxious, as Kavanagh let his head list to the side and pressed it against Sheppard's hand.

"I'm here. I'm right here. Can you hear-"

"He-he shouldn't have done that to me. It wasn't my fault. He said it was, but it wasn't." Kavanagh shook his head from side to side. His body went stiff and stubborn, pushing back against Sheppard's arm. Sheppard didn't let his arm budge. Something inside him wanted to tell Kavanagh what he wanted to hear, but the words wouldn't come. After all, what the hell did he know? He hadn't seen the accident, only fractured pieces of the aftermath. He wasn't going to tell Kavanagh what to believe, not when he wasn't sure himself.

"No. No he shouldn't. Whatever happened."

Kavanagh set his teeth.

"You don't believe me, do you?"

Sheppard didn't answer, but his body tensed. Kavanagh trembled.

"It wasn't my fault!" His voice rose, he struggled fiercely to pull away. Their hands clashed, Sheppard grabbing for him and Kavanagh pulling his hands off. Kavanagh went suddenly still and for a second Sheppard thought he'd won.

Then Kavanagh's fist slammed into his jaw.


	14. Chapter 14

Sheppard picked himself slowly up and stared at Kavanagh in disbelief. Kavanagh stared back at him, his eyes glazed and feral, his breath coming in ragged gasps.

"You...hit me." Sheppard's voice was not quite convinced.

"Not my fault." It wasn't speech, it was a growl, a sob and a moan all mixed together. Sheppard leaned over the bed, not breaking eye contact. The bed squeaked faintly as he put his weight on his fingertips, catlike, and eased himself toward Kavanagh.

"Notmyfault!" Kavanagh edged back on the bed.

"Hey! You were kids, all right? Accidents happen. Anyway...not for me to say."

Kavanagh moved, ducking under Sheppard's hasty grab and diving toward the floor.

"Kavanagh!" Sheppard plunged after him. There was a brief, brutal struggle, Kavanagh fighting tooth and nail and Sheppard giving as good as he got. He knew there would be bruises, but he didn't care. Sheppard shifted his grip, surprising Kavanagh and spinning him around. _Get him from the back-one wrist, two-force them down, pinning his arms against his body..._

Sheppard swore as Kavanagh wrenched a fist loose and landed a glancing blow. He grabbed the wrist again, his fingers biting into skin and muscle, and jerked it back.

"Damn it, Kavanagh! Quit being a prick and let me help you!"

The fists clenched harder. Sheppard could feel Kavanagh's heart exploding, hammering against his ribs where his body was jammed against Sheppard's arms. He tightened his grip and heard Kavanagh snarl with pain and frustration, but the fists didn't relax.

"Why won't you say it? Why? You think it was my fault too, don't you?"

"I don't know! I don't fucking know, all right?" Sheppard gave him a none-too-gentle shake. He went suddenly limp. Sheppard gripped him as he slumped and pulled him in, gathering him against his chest. The tension in Kavanagh's muscles turned to violent tremors as he gave up, his rib cage heaving. Sheppard gave him another short shake.

"Hey. Hey. Calm down. Calm. Down."

It came out in one quivering, hushed breath, Kavanagh's mouth muffled against Sheppard's shirt.

"Oh God, maybe it was. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I did that to Jamie. Oh God. Maybe-"

Sheppard cut him off with a wordless sound and clamped Kavanagh's head to his chest, covering his ear. He couldn't remember where he had picked up that bit of advice, but it seemed to work. Kavanagh closed his eyes and lay there, panting.

Sheppard kept his arms wrapped around him until his breathing started to slow. For several more minutes Kavanagh was completely still except for the movement of his chest and the spasms of his muscles. Finally he moved a little, glancing up at him, and Sheppard let him up. He swallowed and gestured wordlessly at a box of tissue on the nightstand. Sheppard reached over and handed him one.

Kavanagh blew his nose and looked down at the bed.

"Sorry about your face." It was barely more than a whisper.

Sheppard shrugged dismissively.

"I've had worse."

Minutes passed. Sheppard waited patiently while Kavanagh sat, gathering the shreds of his dignity. He felt a tug behind his breastbone when Kavanagh's breath quickened again. Kavanagh leaned forward, his body rocking a little, his mouth clamped shut. Sheppard glanced at his knuckles, white and strained where he was clutching his own elbows. He cleared his throat.

"You all right?"

For a minute Kavanagh didn't respond. Sheppard was about to touch him when he moved, rocking again. He scrubbed a hand across his face and turned his head toward Sheppard but didn't look up.

"My head hurts. It really, really hurts."

"Yeah. Mine too."

Kavanagh darted a quick, apologetic look upwards and pressed his lips together, rolling them inward and biting the bottom lip as he let them roll back out.

"I think...I think I need to talk...to somebody. About things."

"Yeah. Not going to say "I told you so" or anything. But yeah. Hey, on the bright side, I think we've found that belief Hermy was talking about. The one that's still messing with your head."

Kavanagh licked his lips.

"I told you, I need to go home. I can find a-a shrink there."

"That what you want?"

Kavanagh shrugged, his shoulders slumping. He drew a long, shuddering breath.

"I don't see any other options. Not since Dr. Heightmeyer's gone."

"Hey."

Kavanagh looked up.

"I know you don't think much of me as a shrink, but I just took a hit to the chin. That's got to count for something. I mean, how many shrinks would do that? You know, you do that back home, you're gonna get locked up. Padded cell and throw away the key, pal."

Kavanagh gave him a long look and laughed, a hard little laugh that pulled one corner of his mouth into a sneer. Sheppard crossed his arms.

"What the hell was that?"

Kavanagh pressed his lips together mutinously, hanging his head. After a second or two of silence he stole a glance upward. Sheppard kept the expectant and not particularly pleased expression on his face. Kavanagh swallowed and shrugged again, slowly, his shoulders creeping up toward his ears.

"You really mean...you'd...?"

"I said I would before, didn't I?"

"Well...yes...but now you know there's no reason you have to...I mean... you did get that letter I wrote, right?"

Sheppard didn't answer, just looked at him.

"Oh...you got it..." Kavanagh's voice was very small.

Sheppard still said nothing. Kavanagh reached up and rubbed at the corner of his eye.

"Um...it doesn't have to be right now, does it? I, uh...I don't think I'm up to it right now."

Sheppard let him squirm for a minute, then looked down.

"Later's fine. But I'm holding you to it. And no trying to skip out on me."

Kavanagh gave him a one-sided smile that didn't hide the bewilderment in his eyes.

"I-I still don't-I mean, why would you-"

"Look, Kavanagh."

Kavanagh closed his mouth with a snap and looked.

"I'm not really sure why myself, ok? Let's just drop that one. You know what they say: some things are better left unsaid."

Kavanagh looked down, the smile tugging at the other corner of his mouth.

"Do they say that?"

Sheppard frowned. Seeing the emotions flicker across Kavanagh's exhausted face felt a bit like looking at a bombed-out jumper, its wiring in shambles, electricity darting and leaping through the mess of mangled, snapped cables. It gave him the same queasy feeling.

"Yeah. Yeah they do."

Kavanagh said nothing, just kept on smiling, awkwardly, his lips quivering as the smile fought with tears waiting to be let out. Sheppard cleared his throat and stood.

"It's late. I'm going to head back. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone and I won't have you locked up. Fair enough?"

Kavanagh looked at him as if seeing him for the first time. The smile faded suddenly.

Sheppard steeled himself and met the look without flinching. His lips parted a little and he took a quick, quiet breath, but he didn't look down, knowing suddenly that if he broke eye contact in that second, the trust would vanish. And there wouldn't be a second chance. This was it.

Kavanagh's eyes searched his, looking for what they had seen there so many times before, what they had seen on faces day after day since coming to Atlantis, until it started to feel more normal than the rare flashes of kindness he encountered. Sheppard saw him shake his head slightly as he searched again, not quite believing it. Sheppard lifted his chin a little, then let it drop. He'd never admit it but the whole situation had affected him almost as much as it had Kavanagh.

Kavanagh's eyes stopped their searching, abruptly. He looked down and blinked hard, his eyes moving over the bedspread.

Kavanagh's face was blank when he looked up and his eyes were drained of expression, but the suspicion was gone. The blue eyes seemed oddly lost and empty without it. Sheppard grimaced and looked down, scuffing at the floor with one foot. After a second or two he looked back up and raised one eyebrow.

"Deal?"

Kavanagh's eyes were fixed on his as if he were the only thing in the universe.

"All right, Colonel Sheppard."

Sheppard nodded shortly. The look on Kavanagh's face told him he could have told Kavanagh to walk off a cliff and gotten the same unquestioning response. He glanced at Kavanagh one more time and turned, shoving his hands in his pockets as he started for the door.

A foot or so from the door he paused. He wasn't sure himself why he said it, his sympathy reserves were drained, his nerves ragged, his very being aching to hit something or shoot something, but it slipped out. Maybe it was the complete lack of resistance in Kavanagh's last sentence, or the image of his face, suddenly defenceless, the walls torn down by something other than fear or horror.

"Ah, you can...you can call me John, if you want. Seeing as we're, uh...going to be talking more..."

The part of him that wanted to scream and shoot things took over at that point and he ducked out without even looking at Kavanagh. Something inside him throbbed, and Sheppard winced. It was a warm throb. A fuzzy throb.

"Damn, I need to find Ronon. Or Teyla."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kavanagh sat alone in his room. The look on his face said he was still digesting everything that had just happened, and it wasn't going down easily. He jumped and spun around when the program that Sheppard had forgotten to retrieve restarted with a click. Kavanagh's eyes widened as Hermiod reappeared. He glanced at Kavanagh.

"Certain aspects of my programming need to be shut down one at a time. Hopefully you did your research and were aware of this."

"I..." Kavanagh trailed off. Hermiod looked him over in silence. Kavanagh studied his bed for a second, then looked up.

"Thanks. For helping. You didn't have to."

"I am aware of that." The Asgard's eyes went suddenly dark and expressive and Kavanagh knew he was seeing something no other human had ever seen.

"Considering your lack of vision and your narrow mind, Dr. Kavanagh, I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I must admit, embarrassing as it is, that it seems we have something in common. I am confident in my calculations, but given the variables and the small chance of failure that remains-well, I cannot imagine that there is any good reason for expressing this, but..." He sighed.

"I trust and expect that your quest...will not culminate as ours did."

Kavanagh's eyes were like saucers.

"It's you, isn't it? You're still here. Sheppard was right."

The Asgard blinked.

"I am a computer program. That is all, Doctor Kavanagh." The hologram flashed and was gone.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

In the days that followed Sheppard found himself developing a sense that told him with frightening accuracy when Kavanagh needed to talk. He assured himself it was probably just his subconscious picking up on body language and other indicators. Then there was the time he woke up in the middle of the night, knowing not only that Kavanagh was having a nightmare but exactly how long he had to get to him. Sheppard stopped searching for explanations after that one. He had the gene after all, it was probably just the city's way of helping him out.

Kavanagh opened up the same way he always had, in cycles. It always started with the bad temper and snarkiness, which Sheppard learned to ignore completely. He also learned to tune out anything Kavanagh said during that phase, it was generally useless and usually insulting. After that came silence, and halting, awkward confidences. Sheppard would push him as far as he dared, and let him break. Sometimes they talked through it, sometimes Sheppard just pulled him into his arms and held him till he stopped fighting and said whatever it was he needed to say.

There were times they didn't talk about, too, like the time Kavanagh hit him again. Sheppard came within an inch of hitting him back. That one ended with both of them tangled on the floor, out of breath and with bruises forming in various places. Sheppard didn't say anything at all, even when Kavanagh dogged his steps to the door, his eyes begging Sheppard to scream, fight, retaliate in some way. He just turned, his jaw tight and strained, and met Kavanagh's pleading eyes with a look of steel. For a second they stared at each other, then Sheppard finally spoke.

"See you, Peter."

He never mentioned it again.


	15. Chapter 15

There was the time Sheppard knew was inevitable, when he finally did hit him. Kavanagh just sat there, half-sprawled on the floor, his eyes stupid with shock. Sheppard dropped quickly to one knee, his hands examining Kavanagh's face. Kavanagh's eyes followed him, still wide and bewildered. Sheppard ran a hand over his hair, his eyes dark and angry, the fingers of his other hand incongruously gentle as they felt for broken facial bones or swelling.

"You damned idiot. You knew I was going to do that."

The pale eyes burrowed into his. Sheppard's hand slowed. He swallowed, suddenly aware that Kavanagh's eyes hadn't moved. His own eyes strayed to the darkening spot on Kavanagh's face. He sighed heavily and looked away.

"You, you always-dammit Kav, why do you always have to...?"

There was no answer.

"It's...it's like you wanted-"

Kavanagh jabbed a finger at him.

"That's not true! it's not-" He spread his hands, looking for something, and came up empty. For a second he just sat, wordless, then he sighed heavily and rubbed his face with both hands.

"Look, I don't know, all right? It's just-I've been stuck here forever and you're the only one in this whole fucking place that even-that I-that I can even-" The words came faster and faster, losing coherence and intelligibility with every phrase.

"Peter. Peter."

Kavanagh looked up and saw his expression. He closed his mouth, a sick, helpless ache in his eyes, his eyebrows wrinkling with a "why?" that wasn't even angry anymore, just asking. Sheppard's jaw clenched, he reached out and pulled him in, roughly. Kavanagh's voice came in stuttering gasps, his arms hanging limp and unresponsive at his sides.

"I told you. I told you it's no use. I'm just fucked up. He fucked me up, just like he said. This is what he wanted. It's what he wanted."

"Fuck him. You hear me? Fuck him."

There was no response. Sheppard's heart thudded. He bent his head, his arms tightening, his voice hoarse and tinged with something he didn't care to name or think about.

"Dammit, Peter, talk to me."

Kavanagh responded at last, his chest rising and falling with one listless sob, then another.

"Ok. That's something. Keep it coming."

He felt Kavanagh blink, felt a drop land on his shoulder.

"What's wrong with me?" It was just a whisper. Not even a loud whisper, but something in it sent Sheppard's heart into his throat. He took a firm grip on himself, more than a little annoyed with Kavanagh for getting to him again.

"Nothing. There's nothing wrong with you. Quit talking crap."

Kavanagh's hand caught him on the chest, hard, pushing him away. Sheppard fell back, landing with a thump. A frown wrinkled his eyebrows, deepened. Kavanagh ignored it.

"Yeah, fuck you. You don't know anything."

"Hey!" Sheppard seized a handful of his collar, his eyes narrowing as he pushed forward, throwing Kavanagh off balance. His eyes searched Kavanagh's, but this time there were, inexplicably, no defenses. Sheppard faltered, but it was too late. The wide, unguarded eyes drew closer, closed. Sheppard froze, his stomach knotting as warm lips pressed against his.

Every nerve in Sheppard's body was screaming at him to pull away, for more reasons than he wanted to name, but he held himself perfectly still, his mind detached, noting every sensation with clinical precision. Desperate, he thought dispassionately, then eager, almost..loving, but-damn, it was cracking around the edges and he still didn't move, either to respond or to cut it mercifully short-and then, trembling, and so soft and at that point his mind stopped taking notes in order to deal with the hot, guilty thing stabbing him in the chest. It felt like shame with a good dose of self-loathing. Suck it up, Sheppard. Goes with the job, you should know that by now. He took a long breath, trying to ignore the pain in his chest. Kavanagh's arms slipped around him, feeling oddly like pity, as ridiculous as it seemed. Sheppard's head spun. No-one pitied him. He was a soldier. You didn't pity soldiers.

"God, John..." Kavanagh's voice was thick and wondering as his head sank to Sheppard's shoulder. Sheppard swallowed, wanting desperately to pull away. Somehow he didn't even seem to have the strength for that. What the hell was this? He didn't want this, didn't want any part of it. Kavanagh was the weak one, the one who needed help, not him. Not Colonel John Sheppard. He didn't-damn it, Kavanagh's arms were tightening, his breath was quickening, and Sheppard felt something in him throb in response, something furious and savage and dangerous. He jerked back.

"Peter. Peter-"

The arms clamped tighter.

"Let me go. Peter, for Christ's sake, let me go." It was barely more than a whisper, but Kavanagh's arms loosened instantly.

"John-"

"I can't. I can't go there. I have to-I-I can't." He looked up for the first time. Kavanagh's eyes somehow managed to make the concern in them completely inoffensive. It had to be the intense focus, that wide-eyed stare that made him feel that there was no-one else in the world, no-one else in Kavanagh's world, and-damn. Sheppard looked down quickly.

"Peter, don't-don't look at me like that, ok?" He put out a hand but Kavanagh knocked it aside. Sheppard clenched his hand, his voice low and hoarse.

"Dammit, Peter, I'm a soldier. We don't do that kind of thing."

Kavanagh's lips were tight and strained. He cocked his head and eyed Sheppard as if he were a bit of Wraith code to be deciphered.

"What kind of things do you do? Do they let you talk? As in, speaking words-" he dragged it out till the very air begged him to stop "-like normal human beings do? Or is that something they beat out of you in superhero boot camp too?"

Sheppard's head snapped up, but the nails-on-a-chalkboard voice faded the second his eyes met Kavanagh's. How had he never realized how penetrating those blue eyes could be? There was no defense against the pure, raw honesty in them. It gave everything and demanded everything. Sheppard felt something breaking, and he couldn't stop it, he couldn't even slow it down-

A picture leapt into his mind: a face turned up to his, the eyes too tired to care any more, the frozen, numb fingers unwrapping from the rope one by one...

I couldn't hold him up. I couldn't save him. I tried my damnedest and it wasn't enough.

Sheppard's breath quickened. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to shut out the image, but it persisted.

Kavanagh's voice broke the stillness.

"You lost somebody."

Sheppard looked up, his eyes wide and shaken, too rattled to deny it or wonder how Kavanagh knew.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did." Sheppard wasn't sure he'd ever told anyone. He was pretty sure he'd never told anyone like this, though-eyes locked, soul joined to soul, no lies, no hiding, no covering the pain with a grin or a laugh and sliding it out of sight when no-one was looking.

It was too much. Sheppard couldn't stand it for long. He jerked his eyes away, one hand going out to clap down on Kavanagh's shoulder. The spell was broken but he still felt utterly emptied. It was a strange feeling.

"Not you, though," he muttered, half to himself. He felt Kavanagh move forward, knew suddenly that arms would hold him, that he could let go, just once, if he wanted to...he could be the weak one...His hand tightened brutally on Kavanagh's shoulder, his eyes darting up in instant apology.

"No-I-just no. No." He swallowed hard.

The soft light that was somehow worse than the arms would have been glowed steadily, mercilessly in Kavanagh's eyes. Sheppard's lips parted.

"Peter..." It was as close to begging as Sheppard had ever gotten.

Kavanagh set his lips firmly and held his gaze. Sheppard grimaced, his hand slipping from Kavanagh's shoulder.

"I-I'd better go."

Kavanagh looked down, his lips twisting.

"All right. Fine."

Sheppard was almost to the door when he heard it. The sneer was back in the grating voice.

"Now who's playing it safe? Huh?"

Sheppard paused, turned. He took a second to gather himself before he looked up. Kavanagh's expression was everything he'd known it would be. The urge to react shot through him, but he ignored it. Damn. Getting pretty good at this. He watched silently as the belligerence on Kavanagh's face turned to confusion, anger, then-as he had suspected it would-to hurt. He shook his head ever so slightly, willing Kavanagh to understand.

Kavanagh swallowed and looked down. He shrugged a little and walked to the door, turning to watch Sheppard as he approached.

Sheppard paused a second in the doorway. His eyes were carefully neutral but at the last moment something flickered in them. Kavanagh, watching him intently, opened his mouth and half-started to say something, but stopped at the flash of steel in Sheppard's eyes. His lips quivered, he pressed them tightly together and stared away from Sheppard into the empty room behind them.

All the steel went out of Sheppard's eyes and suddenly there was only weariness in them, weariness and the hollow reflection of that ache he could never quite seem to lose or fill. His voice was low and almost broke.

"See you, Peter."

Kavanagh didn't answer.

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It was several weeks later when Sheppard paused, suddenly realizing he hadn't seen Kavanagh for more than five days. For a brief second he wondered if his gene was on the blink or-his brows wrinkled with worry-if something had gone wrong again and Kavanagh was avoiding him. He tapped his communicator.

"McKay here."

"Rodney, have you seen Kavanagh today?"

"I thought you were keeping an eye on him."

"Yeah, that's why I'm asking."

Sheppard heard a metallic sound, followed by a thud and a muttered curse. Rodney's voice faded for a second and returned.

"Yeah, uh, he was down in the secondary lab earlier. I gave him some busy work to do. He didn't seem to mind, for once. Come to think of it, he's been complaining a lot less in general. Can't honestly say it's stopped altogether, of course...he's still an ass most of the time..."

"Yeah, well...as it turns out there's a reason he's been such a wet blanket. Not making excuses for him or anything, but there's a good reason."

"I suppose he's sworn you to secrecy on what that good reason is?"

"Promises, McKay. Everybody makes them sometimes."

McKay snickered.

"I bet if we all put our Kavanagh secrets together we'd know more about him than he knows about himself."

Sheppard decided that was very likely true. He tapped his communicator one last time.

"Guess so. Thanks, Rodney."

"Anytime I can stop my work to help you hunt down a not-really-missing team member, you know I'm thrilled to do so..."

Sheppard's lips curved up at one end.

"Smart-ass," he muttered, stepping out into the corridor and heading for the lab where Kavanagh was.

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Kavanagh was sitting in the lab alone. He jumped and blinked owlishly at Sheppard, looking as if he'd been caught doing something naughty.

"Sleeping on the job?" It came out sharper than he'd meant it to. Kavanagh's chin went up, defiantly, he looked away quickly then back at Sheppard, his eyes wary. Sheppard let his shoulders relax, rolled them, and came over to stand beside him.

"What are you working on?"

"Power distribution upgrades. Busy work. McKay didn't want to be bothered."

"Doesn't bother you to be doing the dull stuff? You used to be...pretty vocal about wanting your own projects."

Kavanagh snorted softly. There was only a touch of bitterness in the sound, but for some reason the resignation in it bothered Sheppard more than the harshness that had been there before.

"Yeah, well maybe you haven't noticed, but I've had a few other things on my mind lately."

Sheppard gave the back of his head a push. He grinned and looked down.

"This is kind of nice, actually. I like being alone sometimes."

"So you can take a nap whenever you want to?" He tried to keep it light, but it came out accusing again. Kavanagh looked up, exasperated.

"I wasn't sleeping, all right? I was just...resting. Anyway, a monkey could do this, it wouldn't matter if I had fallen asleep for a second."

Sheppard leaned over and tapped the enter key, giving the response the computer had been patiently expecting for several seconds. Kavanagh started guiltily, his eyes darting from Sheppard's face to the computer. He licked his lips nervously.

"It's just upgrades anyway. As long as they're finished this week we're fine. It's not like the city is going to cave in, even if I don't finish them..." He faltered, then bristled.

"You know, McKay could always take a turn, or Zelenka, if you don't think I'm capable-"

Sheppard dropped a hand on his shoulder, heavily and deliberately. Kavanagh stopped and looked up at him, fear creeping into his eyes. He closed his mouth tightly and returned Sheppard's look, his shoulders tensing. Sheppard frowned.

"Don't blow a gasket, all right? Look, I just came down here to check on you. See if there was anything wrong."

"Oh, like you ca-" The words sprang automatically to his lips. He stopped short, but Sheppard's eyes pinned him. He jerked his gaze back to the computer and stared at it as if he could see right through it. His lower lip quivered.

"I didn't mean that."

Sheppard sighed, his shoulders sagging wearily.

"Dammit, Peter, calm down."

A little of the fear left Kavanagh's eyes. He watched Sheppard, still a little apprehensively, as he sat down beside him.

"Just answer me one thing, ok? Have you had any nightmares since the last time I saw you?"

Kavanagh looked at him, his eyes reproachful.

"No..."

"No...?"

"No."

"I haven't seen you since last week. That's a long time."

"I guess so." He didn't look as happy as Sheppard would have expected him to. Sheppard felt vaguely that he should do something, but hell if he knew what. He gave Kavanagh an exasperated look. Kavanagh just looked down. Sheppard cleared his throat.

"Ok, then."

"Ok." Kavanagh mimicked his tone and even added a head toss. Sheppard raised one eyebrow. He'd learned not to react too quickly to anything Kavanagh said or did, but this was more attitude than the man had given him since the third week of their sessions. Sheppard's lips pressed together.

"All right, what's going on?"

"Nothing. Nothing's going on. Like you said, it's been a week. Looks like I'm cured. Lucky you, no more midnight wake-up calls. You can go back to bossing around your grunts and chasing all the hot alien women the Pegasus galaxy seems to like throwing at you."

Sheppard's head lifted with sudden understanding.

"Ah."

Kavanagh gave him a look of mingled hurt and scorn.

"Nice work, genius. Took you long enough," he muttered, turning back to the computer and tapping a key viciously.

"Hey, watch it-"

"I suppose now you're going to invite me to movie night with the boys. Well, you can just forget it. I don't fit into your little pack, I never have and I never will. You don't have to embarrass yourself trying, because I'll just say no."

"Did I ask you? Don't get ahead of yourself. I can't bring you to movie night, we'd get lynched. Nobody in my 'pack' watches girlie flicks like Pearl Harbor."

"Pearl Harbor is a classic! You numbskulls have no taste." Kavanagh sniffed.

"See? That's why you're not invited to movie night. Now or ever."

Kavanagh gave him a long look, as if trying to decide how serious he was. Sheppard wanted to grin but he kept his face emotionless. It looked like he wasn't the only one who was learning not to take things at face value. He wondered if he could convince Kavanagh he was serious, or if Kavanagh knew him too well by now.

"Not ever?" Kavanagh tried to hide it but Sheppard heard a slight wistfulness creep into his voice.

"Not ever." Sheppard's voice was firm.

Kavanagh slumped.

"Hmmph. Figures."

"You are going running with me, though. At least twice a week, starting tomorrow. We are going to get your ass in shape."

"What? What for? I'm a scientist! I don't need-"

"Can it, Kavanagh. You, me, tomorrow. That's an order. Rodney can give his busy work to one of the other eggheads. I can't do anything about your bad taste in movies, but I can make sure you're not hiding out somewhere taking a nap when you should be working."

Kavanagh gave him another long look and pouted a little.

"You can't make me-"

Sheppard gave a sound of frustration and slammed his hand down on the desk. Kavanagh and several objects on the desk jumped in unison. Sheppard stared fixedly away from Kavanagh.

"You wanted me to talk, right? Well, that's when I talk. About things. If I talk about things. That's when. Got it?"

Kavanagh rolled his eyes.

"Whatever! Ok!"

He was still pouting when the doors closed behind Sheppard, but a little, victorious smirk was already tugging at the corner of his mouth.


	16. Chapter 16

Sheppard whistled softly as he sat down at his laptop. He was feeling pretty damned good. Two weeks of working out together and according to McKay, Kavanagh was just about back to being his normal, impossible self in the lab. Sheppard wasn't sure what to make of it, but he'd gotten used having Kavanagh around a lot quicker than he'd thought he would, and every so often he found himself talking-really talking to him. To his surprise, Kavanagh turned out to be a good listener. Sheppard wasn't ever going to be a talker of Kavanagh's caliber-for which he was deeply grateful-but occasionally he found himself telling Kavanagh things he could never have imagined he'd tell anyone, let alone the resident misfit. Still, he had to admit he was sleeping better himself lately. _Some of that stuff was buried damn deep, I guess. We all have our demons._

Yeah, pretty much everything was looking up.

There was just one more thing he had to do. Sheppard sat down and started typing out an email to a friend of his who could find out the location of just about anyone, anywhere.

A few days later he received his reply. It was short and to the point.

"Found him. Not hard. What now?"

Sheppard laid his fingers on the keyboard.

"Send me his contact info and anything else you've got on him. I'll take it from there. Thanks a million."

Kavanagh was at a computer running tests when Sheppard walked in.

"Hey, Peter."

Kavanagh looked up quickly.

"Colonel Sh-uh...John..." He gave him a hesitant smile.

"Uh...hi?"

"There's somebody here you might like to see. I got him clearance for a visit." Sheppard didn't mention how many strings he'd had to pull to get the clearance. It could still be sticky for him if anybody poked their nose in too closely.

Kavanagh rose, turning to face him.

"Who-who wants to see me? Is it one of my doctors from Earth?"

"Not exactly." Sheppard hid a grin.

"Come on. You'll see for yourself when you get there."

Kavanagh gave him a puzzled and slightly apprehensive look, but he followed him as he headed out of the lab.

The door to Kavanagh's quarters opened silently to reveal the lights already on. Kavanagh stopped short and looked at Sheppard.

"John..." He swallowed hard.

"Who-who's in there? Who is it?"

Sheppard gave him a firm thump on the back with one hand. When that didn't move him very far, he took him by the shoulders and walked him into the room. Kavanagh's hands rose in protest, he half-turned toward Sheppard, but something at the other end of the room arrested his attention. He froze, a strangled sound working its way from his throat, his eyes fixed on the slender, dark-haired man who was standing by the far wall, studying the pictures there.

The man turned, his plain white shirt and civilian jeans revealing nothing about him at first except that he was fit and almost as tall as Kavanagh. Then he turned a little further, his body moving with practiced skill as he lifted his hip and dragged his right leg around to stand facing them.

Kavanagh's arms dropped, he stepped away from Sheppard as if he had forgotten he was there. Sheppard decided he probably had.

"I'll, uh, be outside." He suspected neither of them heard him. He stepped outside and took a position just beside the door, the better to keep a lookout. If the voices were still audible, it certainly wasn't his fault. He wasn't trying to eavesdrop, after all.

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The security camera in the corner watched with one dull, disinterested eye as the two separated and stared at other. The dark-haired man was the first to look down.

"My father's dead, Peter. I thought-I thought you'd want to know."

Kavanagh's mouth worked.

"Jamie..."

"He told me everything, just before he died. I tried to find you, but you'd joined the military, and after that nobody seemed to know where you'd gone. I can see why, now."

Kavanagh rubbed his hand over his mouth, not seeming to notice that tears were slipping down his cheeks. He shrugged a little, evasively.

"Does it-does it matter?"

The dark-haired man's eyes flashed.

"Does it-?" He stopped short, struggled for control.

"We were best friends, you ass! Do you have any idea how much it hurt, thinking you just didn't want anything to do with me? I kept asking myself if it was the accident-if you thought I blamed you. Then, when he told me-well of course, it all made sense then, but damn it, Peter, all those years-and you never said anything?"

Kavanagh gulped and tried to speak. It took him three tries to get anything understandable out.

"God, Jamie, I'm-I'm so, so sorry...he said he'd-if I-" He broke off, unable to go on. Jamie stepped closer to him, put a hand on his arm.

"Peter..."

Kavanagh met his eyes, but he couldn't speak.

"It wasn't your fault, Peter. None of it was. I never believed it, either, even when he told me it was. It was an accident. Just an accident."

Kavanagh didn't answer. Jamie sighed and wrapped his arms around him again, and this time he didn't let go.

The camera blinked sleepily and shut down as its timer told it Kavanagh was home. Not that it made any difference, its cold eye would only have seen the shaking of Kavanagh's shoulders, and perhaps the whiteness of Jamie's knuckles where his hands gripped, unashamed. It had no senses that could record how skin was bruising under the pressure of bone, the pressure of two ribbed cages that were suddenly irrelevant and unwanted. It had no way of seeing how their hearts throbbed against the bars of those cages, again and again, or how they finally drew back, thwarted and aching.

Jamie let Kavanagh's body relax away from his, just enough that his lips were next to Kavanagh's ear as he turned his head a little. If Sheppard's own ears hadn't been trained to hear a twig crack at 20 paces, he wouldn't have been able to pick out the half-murmured words that came next.

"You know-I missed you a hell of a lot more than I ever missed that damned piece of leg."

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"I can't believe you did that." Kavanagh's tone told him nothing, but he was glaring at the computer. Sheppard shrugged.

"Had to be done." He dropped lazily down onto his elbows, draping himself unapologetically across the lab desk and into Kavanagh's space.

"How'd you sleep last night?"

Kavanagh gave him a truculent look and returned his gaze to the computer. Sheppard waited, knowing he would look again. He did. Sheppard raised his eyebrows persistently and Kavanagh's frown cracked just a bit.

"Well?"

Kavanagh looked sulky but it only took him another few seconds to look up a third time, surreptitiously. Sheppard grinned and Kavanagh's lips curved reluctantly in response.

"Like a baby," he admitted.

"You two going to stay in touch?"

Kavanagh gave him a quick, shy smile that turned down at the corners and nodded, tilting his head a little toward Sheppard but looking back down..

"Glad to hear it." Sheppard straightened and turned to go. He was almost at the door when Kavanagh's voice stopped him. It was so quiet he wasn't sure for a second if he'd heard right.

"John..."

He turned back, one eyebrow lifting.

"Yeah?"

Kavanagh's eyes were fixed steadfastly on the desk in front of him, in spite of the fact that there was nothing there to hold his attention except a rather unremarkable keyboard.

"Thanks." It sounded like he was trying out the word for the first time. For a second Sheppard paused. As seemed to be the case more often than not with Kavanagh, the usual phrases just didn't seem quite right.

"Uh, yeah. No problem. I mean..."

Kavanagh looked up, then, and gave him a smile that said he knew how little he fit into any of Sheppard's boxes, and that it didn't matter.

"See you around, John."

Sheppard's lips parted a little, the pained expression he always wore when emotions attacked him flitting across his face. It faded, and for a fleeting second his eyes were as unguarded as Kavanagh's.

"Yeah," he said softly.


End file.
